Family
by bookwormqueen
Summary: Saavik has a son, but his father is not who you think it is. My apologies if the last few chapters are formatted differently than the first set. FanFictionDotNet upgraded their conversion equipment, and I didn't feel like reuploading my origin
1. Prologue: First Contact

The following takes place a few years before TWOK. Saavik is a second-year cadet serving on her first training mission aboard the USS Alleya. The mission is simple: take a team of scientists from various planets and research stations and deliver them to Spacelab at Regula 1. Complications arise, however, when one of the scientists decides he wants to work in the science lab on the ship.  
  
Cadet Saavik walked into the nearly-deserted lab and stopped. Someone was working at her station. She narrowed her eyes as she approached, a low growl forming in her throat as she saw her data on the screen. She moved silently to stand beside the intruder. "What are you doing with my data?" she asked coldly.  
The young man jumped, startled and a little guilty. "I-I was just looking," he stammered. He stared at the young cadet glaring accusingly down at him. She was gorgeous, and he couldn't take his eyes off her.  
"You were 'just looking' at 0500?" Her dark eyes seemed to see deep into his soul. She reached out and flicked the monitor off, then crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, waiting for his explanation.  
He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again. What could he say? The Genesis project was ified; he shouldn't even be working on it from here. Finally he said, "It's 0900 on the planet I just came from, and I didn't realize how early it was here. I'm sorry."  
Saavik stared at him a moment longer. "I trust you did not tamper with anything."  
"I only looked; I didn't change a thing, honest! I know how important clean data is." Her expression softened slightly at this, though he did not notice. He moved out of her way and she settled herself at her station, completely absorbed in her work. He continued to watch her and she ignored him, apparently oblivious to his continued presence.  
  
Some hours later, Saavik looked up from her work to find the blonde-haired civilian still watching her, much to her annoyance. She stared at him for a long moment and he blushed and looked at his feet. He looked up, then blurted, "Will you eat lunch with me?"  
Saavik blinked once in surprise. No one had ever asked her to join them for a meal, not like this, and she was at a loss for words. How to refuse politely and make it clear she was not 'interested'?  
He mistook her confusion and surprise for hesitation. He slapped his forehead, muttering, "Idiot!" to himself. "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you my name. I'm David Marcus." He waited expectantly.  
Saavik had no desire to have lunch with him, much less tell him her name, but etiquette demanded that she tell him. "I am Saavik." She knew it was rude, but she turned her back on him, concentrating once more on her work.  
David tapped her on the shoulder. "You –" He staggered back from her, his face stinging from the unexpected blow. Suddenly she seemed to tower over him, though they were about the same height.  
"Don't touch me!" she hissed, then turned abruptly and left. David stared after her.  
"Don't even bother," one of the other cadets advised.  
"What?"  
"Don't even think of asking her again. She's not interested and never will be. Probably already has a husband picked out and waiting for her, too." At David's blank look he added, "She's Vulcan, didn't you notice? You were staring at her long enough."  
"Yeah, I noticed," David shot back angrily. "I was just trying to be polite and invite her to lunch!"  
"Like hell you were! You want her, same as the rest of us." David started to protest, but the cadet ignored him. "Don't think we didn't notice, kid. You were staring at her for six hours. I think that's a record, boys, don't you?" The other young men, cadets and ensigns both, voiced their agreement. "Congratulations, kid, you've lasted longer'n anyone." He stuck out his hand. David stared at it as if it were antimatter, then bolted out the door, angry and embarrassed. The derisive laughter of his peers echoed in his mind as he raced for the solitude of his quarters. 


	2. Chapter 1: Recognition

This takes place during TWOK, beginning at the point when David attacks Kirk. Subsequent chapters will be chronological and consecutive, documenting the rest of TWOK, TSFS, and events after TVH. Confused? Just keep reading. It'll all make sense eventually. I hope.  
  
They stepped into the next cave. A blonde-haired young man tackled the Admiral, holding a knife to his throat. Saavik held out a hand, stopping McCoy from firing. She knew from experience the speed with which one could kill using a knife, and the boy had the knife at exactly the right spot. A woman, apparently the boy's mother, finally convinced the boy to let the Admiral go. As the boy straightened up, Saavik recognized him. David Marcus, the young scientist who had been on her ship three years ago. She cringed inwardly at the thought of being stranded here with him.  
Saavik barely registered the exchange between the boy, his mother, and the Admiral, her thoughts in the past. Then Chekov was there, reaching for her phaser, and she handed it over without thinking. She suddenly realized that Terrell and Chekov were holding them prisoner, as agents of Khan. Terrell raised his phaser, his finger trembling over the trigger. David swore and leapt at the captain. Saavik reacted without thinking, jumping after David and knocking him to the floor. She heard the whine of phaser fire and the faint, unmistakable sound of a living being disintegrating. Disentangling herself from David, she heard Khan order, "Kill James Kirk." She tensed, ready to defend the Admiral, but Terrell did not fire, turning the phaser on himself.  
Chekov screamed and collapsed in pain. Saavik paid him no attention, looking instead for other hidden threats. Suddenly David shouted, "He's taking Genesis!" and sprinted toward the other cavern. Saavik followed, managing to keep him from killing himself by jumping into the transporter beam. If he wasn't careful, that boy was going to get himself killed. Saavik returned to the group, determined to find a way off this rock.  
  
Upon her return to the damaged Enterprise, Saavik headed directly for her station on the bridge. Admiral Kirk continued to surprise her. His response to the Kobayashi Maru test was unique and entirely human, and his answers to their current predicament, while completely illogical and totally in character for him, continued to allow them to survive. Then she had no more time to think about Kirk, because they had entered the Mutara Nebula and the battle had begun.  
  
Saavik was aware of Spock's presence on the bridge, of the instant he left for the engine room. Even as she piloted the ship, following the progress of the Genesis wave on her screen, she was acutely aware of Spock, trapped and dying, working one last engineering miracle. As the Enterprise cleared the nebula and came to a stop to admire the new planet, Saavik felt Spock's pain, longing to join Admiral Kirk in his mad dash for Engineering and Spock. But she held her station, pushing her grief to the back of her mind. Two minutes later, she knew her teacher was dead, though no announcement had been made. She knew, and grieved afresh. Could she continue without the one man who had ever cared for her, the only person who meant anything to her? She did not know, nor did she care. She would do what she had to do, and that was all. The first chance she got, she ran and hid in her quarters, struggling for control, wishing she could talk to Spock, as she always had before. She knelt in her quarters and cried silently.  
Much later that night, Saavik made her way silently to the stasis room. She would give Spock the only funeral she could, by watching over his body through the night, to protect it from the night predators of Theirrull, as she had seen other children do, many lifetimes ago, though she knew it was unnecessary here aboard the Enterprise. She found a corner and settled in, her eyes staring into the dimness. Her thoughts began to drift as the night grew longer. She thought of all the time they had spent together, all the times he had been kind and gentle with her, a wild, savage creature who did not appreciate what he was doing for her. She remembered every single time they had touched, few as they were. Most of their physical contact had been for mind-melds, for training purposes; the rest had been accidents. She savored every one of them, could almost feel his fingers resting on her face, his mind touching hers. {{Ashau nash-veh du, Spock,}} she whispered to his presence in her mind. {{Ashau nash-veh du.}} 


	3. Chapter 2: Genesis

Note: I actually co-wrote this story with MySchemingMind. Most of this story belongs to her, including the basic idea. I wrote most of it, but the only part that's really mine is Taavi. Don't worry, you'll understand later.  
  
Saavik stared into space, her eyes unfocused, feeling numb inside. The funeral service that had just ended had put a note of finality on Spock's death, leaving her lost and alone. Always before, just knowing he was out there had been all she needed to make her own choices, build her own life. Now he was gone, and she was adrift, anchorless, unsure of herself.  
"Lieutenant –" David Marcus called softly, hesitantly. Saavik did not move, still staring at the point where the torpedo case had disappeared. "Saavik," he tried again. She turned smoothly, focusing her dead eyes on the young civilian scientist. David faltered. Now that he had her attention, he did not know what he wanted to say. He reached out and took her hands. "Saavik, I'm sorry." She stared at him, not listening, lost in her own world.  
His hands were cool compared to her own, cool and moist. He felt alive, despite his grief. She let his emotions swirl over her, not protesting, not shielding, just existing. He hurt over the deaths of his friends and colleagues, and was angry at Khan for murdering them. He had anger at Kirk, at his mother, for keeping secrets from him, for telling him lies. He cared for his mother, for the crew of the Enterprise who had rescued him. More than that, he cared for the young Vulcan lieutenant who had been so angry with him and told him so much. He knew more about her than anyone now living, and, although he did not understand her, he cared. Suddenly the spark that had been her will to live became an ember. She had found a reason to live.  
David felt rather than saw the change in Saavik, in her posture and attitude. He saw something spark behind her eyes, and she gripped his hands tightly. "Saavik, after – after this, would you like to have dinner with me?" he asked nervously, stammering slightly.  
Saavik let go of his hands, aware of how hard she had been gripping them. "That would be . . . " She stopped, unsure, then tried again. "I would like that." David smiled. "I must return to the bridge. My shift ends in three hours. Is that acceptable?"  
"I have something I need to do now, anyway. I'll meet you in three hours in Rec 1. Until then, Saavik." David grinned at her and headed for the lift, and Saavik followed.  
  
Saavik arrived in Rec 1 exactly three hours later. Scanning the room, she found David waiting for her, alone, in one of the conversation pits. She joined him.  
"Hello, Saavik. Have a seat." David greeted Saavik hesitantly, still not sure how she'd react. As he'd waited for her, he had remembered the first time they had met, three years ago, when Genesis was still in its theoretical Phase One. She had slapped him then, for daring to touch her. Today, she had let him hold her hands. True, his hands still ached from her grip, but he was sure that she could have done far worse damage if she had wanted to.  
Saavik sat down next to David, in the seat he had indicated. Just being with him was comforting, and she had missed his presence during her shift on the bridge. He reached for her hand, experimentally, she thought, and she allowed him to take it. "Hello, David." They sat in silence for a while, holding hands. Neither of them felt the need to say anything. Finally, around midnight, David stood up.  
"It's getting late. Can I walk you to your quarters?" Saavik simply stood and led the way, still holding his hand.  
The corridors were empty, since those who were off-duty were sleeping, and those on-duty were at their stations. It wasn't until they got in the lift and the doors closed behind them that David noticed Saavik had been crying. She saw him watching her and turned away, dropping his hand. David stepped back, to give her some space, but continued to watch her, concerned as one friend for another. They were at her door before he found enough courage to ask, "What's wrong?"  
Wordlessly Saavik opened her door and motioned David to precede her into her cabin. She locked the door behind her and sat on the bed, leaving the chair for her guest. After taking a moment to adjust to the dim, hot environment, David sat on the bed next to her. "What's wrong?" he repeated.  
"Nothing is 'wrong', David," Saavik said, her voice rough with barely controlled emotion.  
"Then why are you crying?"  
Saavik said nothing for a long moment. When she did speak, she looked down at her lap. "Being with you is like . . . being with Spock." She paused, a fresh wave of tears threatening to fall. She brushed them away. "I am comfortable with you. Silence is not lack of communication, it is . . . acceptance. Friendship." She leaned against the wall, drew her knees up to her chin, staring beyond the opposite wall. "I never told him, never asked him, and now I cannot." Her eyes were unfocused again, and she was talking to herself. David moved closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders. "Ashau nash-veh du, Spakh. Ashau nash-veh du." David held her, and she was grateful for his presence. He was calm, concerned, and she needed that anchor.  
David held Saavik close, stroking her hair, letting her cry. He didn't know what to do. She was so unlike human girls, who usually wanted someone to hold them together. Even the independent girls wanted a guy who cared, who would hold them while they cried. Saavik didn't seem to want that, yet she hadn't protested when he'd first put his arm around her. She was so cold, so independent in public that it was hard to adjust to seeing her like this, crying and needing someone to hold her. He tried to pull away, and she let him, drying her eyes on her sleeve. She looked so small and vulnerable, huddled in a little ball like that, her face all tearstained. David reached over slowly and kissed her lips, softly. He pulled back slightly to gage her reaction.  
Saavik stared at him, her eyes wide with surprise. She had not expected him to kiss her. What surprised her more was the fact that she had enjoyed it, and wanted him to do it again. She put one hand on the back of his head and pulled him close for another kiss. He held back at first, uncertain, but she was insistent, and he was more than willing to comply.  
  
Saavik lay, content, next to David, half-asleep. Her mental shields were down, and she drank up the positive emotions he radiated – love, happiness, contentment. His arms tightened around her, and she touched his sleeping thoughts lightly, unconsciously. He was dreaming, a pleasant dream about them as a family, on Earth, with children of their own, happy and loving. {{Is that what you want, t'hy'la?}} she asked him, expecting no reply. {{Do you want children, a family?}} His sleepy, wordless thoughts agreed; he wanted them to have children, to be a family. {{Then we shall have children, t'hy'la.}} She snuggled closer and fell asleep, even as her subconscious worked to make her statement true.  
  
The USS Grissom orbited high above the Genesis planet. Saavik stared at her screen in horror and disbelief. The large metallic mass and the complex life-form reading could not be accurate. It was not possible. Mentally she recalculated the course, trajectory, speed, and gravitational effects and came up with her original results – it was not possible. That could not be Spock's coffin down on the planet. It was not possible. And if it was? What then? She didn't want to consider that option. She would not consider it.  
David picked up on Saavik's distress, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. He was excited about Genesis and its apparent success, but he was also broadcasting love and reassurance. He spoke with Captain Esteban for a moment and convinced him to let them beam down to the surface for a more detailed, up-close analysis. David pulled Saavik into the turbolift. Once inside, in the relative privacy of the lift, he put his arms around her in a reassuring hug. "It'll be alright, Saavik," he whispered. He let her go as the lift stopped, and they headed for the transporter room.  
  
Genesis was beautiful. David and Saavik materialized in a small clearing in a subtropical forest and followed their tricorder readings to a larger clearing containing a shiny black torpedo tube and a mass of writhing pink worms. "Microbes. These are highly evolved microbes. They must have been on the surface of the tube when it was launched, and they were fruitful and multiplied," David said, wading through the worms. Saavik started to follow, but stopped when David reached to open the torpedo tube. She did not want to see what was inside; what she imagined was more than enough. At David's startled gasp, however, she moved quickly, dreading what she knew he saw. The tube was empty. All that remained was Spock's burial robe. Saavik picked it up and hugged it to her chest, closing her eyes. David waited, letting her grieve. Then they heard a scream.  
They ran through the forest, then across the desert, and finally into a snowy region. There were tracks of a humanoid child, and they followed them. Where the tracks ended, they found a boy, maybe eight Earth years old, hiding in the meager shelter of a snowdrift. The boy was shivering. Saavik wrapped him in Spock's robe, picked him up, and began to carry him to warmer territory. David followed, sensing Saavik's confusion but not knowing where it came from.  
Saavik stopped when she reached a well-sheltered cave, in a warm area. The boy was sleeping, and she lay him down in the cave. She joined David at the entrance.  
"How long?" she asked, referring to the earthquakes which were tearing the planet apart, and the way the planet was rapidly aging in stages.  
"There's no way to tell. Days, maybe hours. It's a chaotic system, impossible to predict. We have to get off the planet, and soon."  
"I know, t'hy'la." She turned away, staring off into the distance. David came up behind her and touched her arm.  
"What is it?"  
"Many things, t'hy'la. I am . . . confused, about a great many things." She turned to face him. "Soon Spock will feel the burning of his blood. I – " She turned away again.  
David put his arms around her. "He will need you, and you are afraid."  
"Yes." She twined her fingers with his. "I still have feelings for him, David. Like those I have for you."  
"And you are afraid. I can feel it. Don't be afraid, Saavik. I love you, and I will always be here for you." He rested his head on hers, burying his face in her hair.  
"I . . . I must tell you some things, t'hy'la," Saavik said, gripping his hands tightly before turning to face him. He waited for her to continue, holding her hands lightly. She looked away, uncertain and afraid, before meeting his eyes. "We are bonded, David, t'hy'la." He did not understand, and she sighed. "We are linked, joined, you and I. Never and always touching and touched. I can feel your mind, your emotions, and you can feel mine. Do you understand at all, David?"  
David hesitated, overwhelmed and a bit frightened. "Yes," he finally whispered. "I think I understand."  
"That is good, t'hy'la. What I will tell you next will not be so easy for you to accept, I think." David nodded for her to continue. "I am – was – bonded to Spock. Not as you and I are bonded, but bonded nonetheless. I love him, t'hy'la, and I love you as well."  
David absorbed the information carefully. This could change the nature of their relationship. Was he competing with a dead man, a regenerated shell? Or did it really matter that she loved Spock, because she also loved him? He decided it didn't matter, because he loved her and she loved him, and that was all that was necessary. He was about to tell her when she kissed him, hard and fast, desperately, and whispered, "Don't come into the cave, no matter what happens. Remember that I love you." She pressed her phaser into his hands and disappeared into the cave as the boy that was Spock began to cry out once more.

* * *

He was calling her again, as he had each time the planet shook and aged. His call was stronger this time, more urgent. She gave David one last kiss, told him not to interrupt, and entered the cave. The boy knelt by the fire, shaking with fever. He looked up as she approached, and reached out a hand toward her, begging for her help. Gently, she touched his hand, caressed it, watching his eyes. He answered her caress with one of his own, his other hand extending to touch her face, instinct guiding his fingers across her sensitive psi-points, making her need him almost as he needed her. Slowly, carefully, she removed first her own clothes, then his, taking him into her arms, shielding his infant's mind from the depths of her own.  
He was so young, so innocent. Something of her lifetime of experiences bled into his mind, but he was curious and intelligent and managed well. He probed deeper into her mind, seeking her core, her essence, that would permit the bond that always occurred with the first time. At first she refused him, deflecting his probe. But the more he probed, the weaker her defenses became as she reached for him, for the mind that was not there. Somehow he found her, soothed her fears, her worries, and became part of her, as he always had been.  
Her mind disentangled from his, even as their bodies separated. He was asleep again, and she wrapped him once more in the burial robe. He stirred as she dressed, his hand reaching for hers. She lay down some distance from him and took his hand. He quieted instantly and she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Saavik was jerked from sleep as rough hands hauled her to her feet. Instantly awake, she silently cursed the circumstances that had forced her to give up the habit of sleeping with her knife clenched in her fist. Her hand slipped from the boy's, and he growled. Their captors, Klingons, ignored him, half dragging, half pushing the captives to a more level spot. David was already there, looking roughed up and belligerent. He tried to speak and was silenced by a vicious slap across the mouth. Saavik sent him calming thoughts, and he settled down, still glowering at his captors.  
A communicator was shoved in his face, and he spoke to Admiral Kirk, who had apparently come back for Spock, though for what purpose Saavik could not fathom. Then it was her turn to speak. "We have encountered a young Vulcan scientist of your acquaintance, Admiral," she began.  
"Is he alive?" came the urgent reply.  
"He is – not himself, but he lives." She would have said more, but the Klingon holding the communicator moved away, taking the device with him. Someone, presumably the Klingon captain, gave an order, and one of the other guards drew a knife and began circling the three prisoners. He paused by Saavik and raised the knife menacingly, poised to kill.  
{{NO!!!}} David cried silently, throwing himself in the knife's path. The Klingon twisted the knife cruelly, and Saavik felt David's pain. She tried to run to him, to hold him, to comfort him, but was restrained mercilessly. She felt the life drain out of him, felt the bond break as a part of her died. She wanted to die, she wanted to kill, and it took all of her self-control to hold the madness at bay. Only the thought of her unborn child, David's child, kept her on her feet.  
The communicator was once more thrust in her face. Her voice shook imperceptibly as she spoke the words she wished desperately were untrue. "David is dead." She heard sounds of human grief before the communicator was taken away, and she knew Kirk was taking the death of his son hard. She had no sympathy for the admiral. He had barely known David, while she had known him better than he had known himself. David had been part of her, and now he was dead, and she longed to join him. The boy that was Spock took her hand, and suddenly she no longer wanted to die. She had another bondmate, this child who had been Spock. He did not want her to die, and she did not want to hurt him. He flooded her with love, and she took strength from it.  
The ground began to shake, and the boy cried out in pain, fleeing from his captors to huddle on the ground some distance away. Saavik rushed after him, kneeling by his side and running a soothing hand over his back. One of the Klingons pulled her away as another reached for the boy. Her startled warning not to touch him was ignored, and the boy flung the Klingon into the trees, killing him instantly. Seeing another touching Saavik was too much, and the boy strangled the Klingon, breaking his neck. The last remaining Klingon leveled his phaser at his captives, and Saavik convinced the boy to cooperate. The boy was a boy no longer; physically he was approximately the age Spock had been when he died. The increase in tectonic activity weakened him, and he collapsed, unconscious, just as Kirk arrived with most of the Enterprise senior staff.  
  
Vulcan was hot, much hotter than the captured Bird-of-Prey had been. Saavik stood in the outdoor temple on Mount Seleya, grateful for its dry heat. Even the nighttime temperature, while significantly cooler than the day, was warm. Saavik refused to allow herself to think, instead watching the ceremony happening at the other side. T'Lar stood over Spock and McCoy, eyes closed, one hand on each, separating the two minds into their respective bodies. In the back of her mind, Saavik felt the blending of her old teacher and her infantile bondmate, losing some of both in the process. When T'Lar finished and McCoy got up, his human friends clustered together, blocking Saavik's view. Saavik stood as Spock approached them, huddled near the exit. She could feel that the blending was incomplete, unfinished, and wondered if he would ever be whole. Spock swept his gaze over each of them, and Saavik met his eyes. The look she gave him was calm, controlled, but full of love and hope. He did not recognize her, much less remember her, and looked away quickly. She turned and fled, trying and failing to hold back her tears. 


	4. Chapter 3: Revelations

"Admiral Kirk." The Healer was young, too young, in Kirk's opinion, to hold as much responsibility as he did.  
"Yes?" Kirk asked impatiently. He had been pestered by the Healers and the Adepts both for three days straight now, and it was making him irritable.  
"Lieutenant Saavik has locked herself in her room and refuses to answer her door. We are concerned for her, and thought perhaps you, as her commanding officer, would have more success getting her to respond."  
Kirk sighed and got up. "Fine. Lead the way, then." He followed the Healer, in no mood to deal with recalcitrant half-Vulcans.  
  
The door to Saavik's room was no different from the other doors in the hall, save that hers was closed and locked, a rarity on Vulcan. Kirk banged on the door, ignoring the chime set into the wall. He paused a moment, listening for a response. Something heavy thudded into the door, then crashed into the floor, loudly. Kirk pounded on the door again. "Lieutenant, open the door! That's an order!" The only reply was another loud thud from inside the room. Thoroughly irritated by this colossal waste of time, Kirk set off to find the Lady Amanda. Maybe she could get through to Saavik.  
  
Amanda rang the door chime to Saavik's room. Something heavy and metallic crashed loudly into the other side of the door. Amanda winced. Three days of self-imposed solitary confinement had clearly not improved Saavik's temper. "Saavik," Amanda called, "It's the Lady Amanda." She was interrupted by several more loud thuds from the other side of the door. "Saavikam, please talk to me." Startled silence, then the lock clicked open. Cautiously Amanda opened the door a few centimeters. Encouraged by the lack of flying objects, she opened the door further, slipped inside, and closed it behind her. She took one step into the room, and something went flying past her head to slam into the door. Taking this as a request to stay where she was, Amanda sat on the floor and looked around the room.  
The room was a mess. Anything that could be thrown had been, much of it repeatedly. The heavy metal door had several dents in it, and there was a pile of small but heavy objects near it. Huddled in a miserable ball against the far wall was Saavik. She was surrounded by another pile of objects, most of these larger and heavier than those by the door.  
Saavik herself didn't look much better than the room. Her uniform was grimy and wrinkled. She was pale and looked like she hadn't slept or eaten in days. In one hand she held a knife, in the other, a chair leg. Her swollen eyes and tear-streaked face spoke clearly of her pain.  
"Saavikam, why are you here? Why lock yourself in your room?"  
Saavik stared blankly at Amanda for a moment, confused at hearing Spock's pet name for her coming from someone else, then whispered something. Amanda moved closer, straining to hear what Saavik was saying. "He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember." With each repetition, she got louder and louder until she was shouting before dissolving in tears. Amanda gently took the knife away, then put her arms around the sobbing young woman, making soothing noises and gently rocking back and forth, fully aware that if she so chose, Saavik could throw her across the room without effort. Finally Saavik stopped crying and just huddled miserably in the protective circle of Amanda's arms. They stayed that way for quite some time.  
  
"Who are you?" Saavik addressed the elderly human woman who had entered her room. She had a pretty good idea who the woman was, but she wanted to be sure. "What are you doing here?"  
"I'm Spock's mother, Amanda. I'm here because the Healers and I are worried about you."  
"Vulcans do not worry."  
"But humans do. And I'm worried about you, Saavikam."  
"Why do you call me that?"  
"Because . . . because that is how one addresses a favorite child."  
"He is the only one who has ever called me that."  
"Who is 'he'?"  
"It doesn't matter. He doesn't remember me. And he is dead." Tears began to fall once more.  
"Saavikam, talk to me. Spock isn't dead. He's alive, thanks to you and the Enterprise crew."  
"He is dead. And he doesn't remember me. Gone, both gone. So alone. Let me die, let me join him, let me be free! No, not yet, I must live another day, another week, another month, another year. He does not remember. He is dead! T'hy'la, why did you have to be so reckless, so brave? David, t'hy'la, I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen, and now you will never know. And he does not remember me, does not remember what he was to me. Don't leave me alone, please don't leave me alone!" Amanda held Saavik through this storm of tears, listening and remembering, saying nothing until the tears stopped and Saavik was silent.  
"Saavikam, would you like something to eat?"  
"He is dead, and he does not remember me. Why should I eat? Why should I live? I have no one, I am nothing, I do not matter. There is no one who cares about me, because my t'hy'la is dead and the one I love does not remember me. I have no reason to live, no reason to exist!"  
"You have one. Your child, your t'hy'la's child. Would you deny your child the right to live because you feel sorry for yourself? Besides, I care about you. Spock has told me much about you, and I have come to care about you."  
"You lie! How can you care for someone you have never met? Do not lie to me, Amanda. Just leave me alone!"  
"I'm not lying, Saavikam. I care about you as if you were my own daughter. And I will not leave you alone. If you don't want to join me for dinner, I can't make you. But I will not put up with any more of this foolishness. Now get up and let's see about making you presentable." She stood and waited, hands on her hips, for Saavik to follow her. After a long moment, Saavik stood up shakily and followed Amanda's instructions meekly. 


	5. Chapter 4: Confessions

Amanda sat in her garden, staring at nothing in particular. The past few days had been difficult. Saavik had been reluctant to do anything, including see a Healer. She had said little, and what she had said concerned Amanda. When a human started talking like that, they were institutionalized and given help. According to the Healers Amanda had spoken with, Vulcans did not become depressed or suicidal, yet Saavik clearly was. Someone had finally told her that the only reason a Vulcan would wish to die was if a bondmate died. Amanda suspected that Saavik and David had been bondmates, though she could not prove it. She also suspected that Saavik loved Spock as more that just a mentor, and that his lack of memory of her hurt her deeply.  
The HMS Bounty had left last night, with Admiral Kirk and his crew, and Saavik had watched them leave without any signs of emotion. After the ship had disappeared, however, she had locked herself in her room, and not even Amanda had been able to get her to open the door. Saavik had emerged this morning and demanded to see Spock. When Amanda had reminded her that Spock had left, she had broken down in tears again, and only stopped when Amanda promised to make him remember.  
Saavik was sleeping now; she seemed to do that a lot lately. Amanda was in her garden, trying to figure out what to do next. She was treating Saavik like a child, for that was how she was behaving, and Amanda didn't like it one bit. The Saavik Spock had always described was independent, feisty, full of life. The woman who had arrived on the Bounty was a faint, washed-out shadow with a death wish. How could Amanda convince Saavik to live, to try? If Spock would only remember Saavik! Amanda sighed, wondering how she was going to keep her promise to Saavik. The Healers and Adepts said that what he had not already remembered was lost. Saavik would not accept that, and Amanda had to find a way to prove them wrong.  
Amanda jumped when she heard footsteps on the pathway, then smiled and relaxed. It was Sarek, come to find her and bring her inside before the night grew too cold. He came up behind her and lightly touched her shoulder. She reached up and touched his hand, smiling.  
"It is time for you to come inside, Amanda." She turned reluctantly and headed inside.  
"Sarek, what can you tell me about Saavik?"  
"You know more about her than I, my wife."  
"I mean, where did she come from? Why does she not have any family? Why did she suddenly come into our lives, without any warning? And why does she keep mentioning 'thieurrull'? It sounds familiar, but I can't translate it."  
Sarek sighed. He disliked keeping secrets from his wife, but circumstances demanded it. "Thieurrull is Romulan for 'hellguard'. It is the name of the world where she was born." He paused, considering his words carefully. "She was rescued fourteen point six years ago. She was approximately ten years of age, and Spock volunteered to be responsible for her."  
"I see. There is much you are not telling me, husband."  
"I cannot tell you more. I have said more than I should have." He paused a moment, considering. "There is something you are not telling me, Amanda. Perhaps you would care to tell me now, while we are exchanging secrets?"  
Amanda smiled at his playful tone. "I will not tell you everything; Saavik should be the one to tell you most of this. But since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you some of it." She thought a moment before continuing. "Saavik was bonded to David Marcus."  
Sarek froze, realizing what that meant. "How is it she still lives?"  
"She was also bonded with Spock. He would not let her die."  
"That is impossible," Sarek stated flatly. A person could only have one bondmate at a time, and Amanda knew it.  
"Nevertheless, it's true. She saved him on Genesis, bonded with him then, but she was already bonded to David. When David died, Spock would not let her follow. Now Spock no longer remembers her, and she's heartbroken." Sarek was silent. "Wouldn't you be upset if you lost your bondmate, and the only other person you knew had forgotten you?" Amanda persisted. Sarek agreed silently. "I don't understand either, Sarek. I wish I did." A strangled cry from Saavik's room cut their conversation short as Amanda rushed to mother Saavik.  
  
A scream shattered the afternoon stillness. Sarek looked up from the programs he was supposed to be grading. Saavik was throwing another temper tantrum, her third today. Over the past several weeks, Amanda had determined that taking Saavik out in public was a Very Bad Idea, effectively confining her to the house. Saavik did not appreciate being confined, and had developed a severe case of cabin fever. Her temper had deteriorated quickly, leaving Amanda exhausted and thoroughly fed up with her.  
Five lines of fire traced themselves down Sarek's forearm, immediately shielded but still there nonetheless. He got up and headed for Saavik's room, where Amanda had been unsuccessfully trying to entertain her. Amanda met him halfway, holding her bleeding left arm carefully.  
"She attacked me, for no reason. I'll be fine," she added hastily, sensing his concern that he tried to hide. "She's not there again. She says he's calling her, that he needs her. I think it's another waking nightmare. They're getting worse, Sarek. I can't control her anymore." She headed for the kitchen, where they kept the emergency medkit. Sarek tried to follow her. "No, you go deal with Saavik. I'll be fine."  
"What, exactly, do you expect me to do, Amanda?" Sarek asked, reluctant and wary of Saavik. Anger and madness gave her strength, and he was not as young as he used to be.  
"Just make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Or you. You'll probably have to hold her. I know you don't like it, but I think that's what she needs. Someone to hold her." Saavik screamed again, and Amanda winced. "Go, Sarek, before she hurts herself." Sarek went.  
Saavik knelt in the center of her room, drawn into herself, whispering in a mixture of Romulan and Vulcan. She looked up as Sarek cautiously entered the room. "Spock?" she asked, her eyes wide and devoid of thought. Her sense of Sarek was similar to Spock, close enough that she was confused. She knew Spock was far away, yet he seemed to be here with her at the same time.  
Sarek approached Saavik carefully, kneeling beside her and placing one hand lightly on her shoulder. "Saavik?" She turned and looked at him. This was not Spock. But he was warm, and she was so cold. She leaned against him, shivering, and he cautiously put his arms around her, keeping her warm. She closed her eyes, listening to him breathe, feeling his heart beat against her side, and relaxed in the warmth and strength he radiated.  
Sarek enfolded Saavik in a cautious embrace, and immediately felt her relax. Simultaneously, a tumult of emotions threatened to overwhelm him. Carefully, slowly, he sorted them out, categorizing them, gently probing her mind for the source of each emotion.

* * *

Nightmares. Nightmares of running, running away, away from It, away from the horrible Bastard Guards. Nightmares of stupid Quiet Ones walking calmly to their deaths, because of her. Nightmares of stupid Little Ones, dying under the makeshift knives of the Stupid Ones, the ones who could never find her. Nightmares of the Quiet One who would not stay quiet, who helped her. Nightmares of not being fast enough to stop the Stupid One from killing the other Quiet One who would not be quiet. Nightmares of David, dying in her place at the hands of the Klingons. Nightmares of living, alone and forgotten, without Spock, the Quiet One who spoke of Home and would not be quiet. Nightmares of living always on a planet, a desert planet, able only to watch the stars and run. Nightmares, always nightmares. Notsleep. Notsleep, and the nightmares do not come. Spock notgo! Stars! Mystars! Run, run from It, hide from Bastard Guards, let It never find me. Spock, where are you? David, t'hy'la, do not leave me! Spock? You are not Spock. You are a friend. Where is Spock? Where is David? Confused, lost, where am I, who am I? Spock, I need you, I miss you, I love you. Where are the stars? I must find my stars. They will watch over me, tell me when Spock comes for me, when he needs me. So cold. Cold. Friend, keep me warm. You are warm. Not like Amanda. Amanda is cold. You are warm. Alone. So alone. So afraid. Keep the nightmares away! Notsleep makes me tired. Must sleep sometime. Nightmares. No more nightmares, please, no more nightmares.

* * *

Her thoughts swirled around him, rambling, making no sense whatsoever. Sarek was careful to keep her thoughts separate from his, even as he soothed her, promising to keep the nightmares away, to keep her warm. Her thoughts and breathing slowed and she slept, at peace for the first time since her arrival on Vulcan.  
  
Amanda watched her husband and daughter from the doorway. She had never seen this side of him, the caring fatherly side, with Spock. Sarek had always been strict and aloof, never seeming to care about his son. Now, watching him comfort Saavik, Amanda knew that had been a hard choice for him to make, to keep his distance from Spock. If Amanda was right, and she was sure she was, perhaps Sarek would have the chance to be a father to Saavik's child. Saavik would stay here, with them, having shown no desire to return to Starfleet. She would eventually, Amanda knew, because the stars called her, even as they called Spock. Until then, she had a home here for as long as she wished. Amanda smiled as Sarek looked up at her. {{You're doing fine. Just keep holding her until she wakes, then call me. Keep her safe.}} With a last look at Sarek's startled expression, Amanda left, still smiling.  
  
Saavik woke slowly, wrapped in warmth and strength. He was warm, and a friend, familiar but unnamed. She did not want to move. She was safe here, and comfortable. He had kept the nightmares at bay, and she did not want that to stop. He knew she was awake, and she expected him to pull away. He did not; instead, he held her more firmly, as if he did not want to let go. She relaxed completely, feeling almost as if she were with Spock.  
"Yes, my daughter. He is my son. You are safe with me, Saavikam. I am Sarek, and you are always welcome in my home." His voice was deep and smooth, like Spock's, but deeper, older. He meant what he said, truly meant it, and for her alone. Saavik sighed softly, almost happy and content. Sarek continued to hold her until she reluctantly pulled away.  
"Sarek?" she asked, hesitantly.  
"Yes, Saavikam?"  
"I – I want to tell you something." He waited patiently for her to continue. "I love him. I love them both."  
"Both?" he asked, when she stopped and did not go on.  
"David and Spock." She tried to go on, but could not.  
"You do not have to tell me anything, Saavikam. In the family, all is silence."  
"I must tell you. Amanda knows. I did not tell her, but she knows. I will always love them. I have always loved Spock, from the day I first met him, though I did not know it was love. I could feel him, I knew him, I knew he was important to me. I can still feel him. He is not whole, and he needs me." She stopped as despair threatened her new-found peace. When she was once again in control, she went on. "When he . . . died . . . I could still feel him. He was dead, yet he was not gone. But I was lost, alone, and David was there. So unlike Spock, yet so comforting. I . . . I needed him, needed someone to take Spock's place, and David, my David, was there. I . . . bonded with him. I know I should not have, not without asking, but I wanted it, and David . . . he wanted it, he wanted to always be mine. He wanted to be a family. He . . . wanted children, and a home, and I . . . " She stopped, tears in her eyes, and turned away. Sarek waited patiently, enfolding her in an embrace when she leaned closer. From the safety of his arms, Saavik managed to continue. "I carry his child. Our child. I never had a chance to tell him. He would have been happy, I know it. I tried to tell him, but Spock needed me, and I had to answer. I – I couldn't lose him, not a second time. He . . . he bonded with me. I did not stop him, I did not want to stop him. I felt them all, my teacher, David, the boy. I felt them, and they knew I was there. Then the Klingons came, and David died in my place. They would have killed me, and David – took the knife meant for me. Because he loved me. I felt him die. I wanted to die, right there, to be with him." Saavik was crying again, but softly, without the desperation of before. "The boy held my hand, and would not let me go. He needed me to live, he loved me. My teacher told me to live, to be strong. I listened, though all I wanted was to join David. When McCoy came near . . . I felt my teacher, and was happy. But he did not know me, did not feel me; he never had. Then we all came to Vulcan, and you asked for Refusion, and I could feel my teacher and the boy merging, becoming one. The process is incomplete. They are still two. That is why he does not remember, why he cannot remember. If I could reach him, I could help him. But he will not come, because he cannot remember. He will need me, and he will not know why. You must help me, Sarek. Before he calls me, before he needs me. Please."  
Through her confession, Sarek had listened patiently, holding her when she needed it, letting her talk herself out. He waited until her tears stopped and she sat up. "What would you have me do, Saavikam?"  
"Tell me everything you know about Thieurrull. Everything."  
"I cannot do that, Saavikam. I have been sworn to silence. You know enough, I think, to achieve your goal. You will find a way. You are strong and determined, and there is nothing that can stop you. Come, it is time to eat. Let us see what Amanda has made for dinner." He stood and offered his hand to Saavik. She ignored it and rose smoothly, following Sarek through the house to the dining room. 


	6. Chapter 5: Birth

Months passed in relative peace. Saavik was able to control herself again, and found a position on a research team at the Science Academy. She was still plagued by nightmares, but not as frequently as before. The last month of her pregnancy, however, saw a recurrence of her nightmares, and with them, her temper tantrums. She stormed around the house, and no one dared go near her. Her unborn son seemed unaffected by his mother's emotions, filling her mind with love and trust.  
It was after midnight, and Saavik had not slept or rested properly for several days, to restless to be still. The birth pangs started suddenly, and she nearly collapsed at the unexpected pain. {{Taavikam, could you not have waited until I was rested?}} she asked her son, grimacing slightly as she called for Amanda. Amanda came quickly, and kept up a steady stream of helpful instructions. Saavik was in no mood for help, however, and grew quite irritated. Lack of sleep did not improve her temper, and Amanda warned the Healers of the danger signs. They nodded and shooed her out of the way.  
"Saavik, where is your mate?" one of the Healers asked.  
"He is not here."  
"That is obvious. Where is he?"  
"Why do you care?"  
"He should be here with you."  
"The child's father is dead. I do not know where my mate is." Saavik's voice was dangerous, betraying no signs of the pain she felt.  
"Your mate is not the father of your child?"  
Saavik fell back upon the bed, her eyes closing with exhaustion. "You ask too many questions, Healer. The child's father was my first mate. Do not question me again." She ignored all further questions, concentrating entirely on her son.  
  
Saavik held her newborn son tightly. Not so tightly as to hurt him, but tightly enough to discourage the Healers from taking him away. She whispered to herself, half in Vulcan and half in Romulan. She was dreaming, dreaming that both her loves were with her as she held her son for them to see.

* * *

"He's beautiful, David, just like you. He's perfect, t'hy'la." She ran to him and gave him a one-armed hug. "Just like you." He smiled and hugged her, kissing her tenderly. She smiled at him. "Taavi will know his father's people, David. I will let him be happy, I promise. I will give him a home, and a family, just like you wanted. I wish you could be with us. I miss you, t'hy'la, and I always will." She gave David one last kiss, then turned to Spock, who began to fade. She handed Taavi to his father, reaching after Spock. "Do not leave me, Spock! Do not leave me alone!" He disappeared and she turned back to David, taking her son back and holding him close. "Do not leave me alone." A tear ran down her face and splashed on Taavi's cheek. The child laughed and reached for his mother's hair, giving it a good tug.

* * *

Saavik woke when Taavi pulled her hair, hard. He laughed and tugged again. She pried her hair free. "That hurts, little one."  
The Healer, seated on the other side of the room, by the door, said, "You are awake, Saavik. I must take the child to the medical center, to make sure he is healthy." She approached the bed, and Saavik struggled to sit up.  
"Taavi is going nowhere unless I take him," she said firmly.  
The Healer reached to take the baby. "You are unfit to travel, Saavik. You will remain here, and I will take your son to the medical center."  
"The child goes nowhere without his mother," Amanda announced from the doorway. She came and stood by Saavik's bed, opposite the Healer. "You took my son away from me when he was born, and I missed him, those first few nights. I will not let you take my grandson from his mother. Either they both go, or neither of them goes, and that's final."  
"Lady Amanda, there are tests which must be run to ensure the child is healthy. Saavik is in no condition to travel. The child is a hybrid, a natural hybrid, and therefore must be tested for genetic anomalies. These can only be performed at the medical center. I must take him there."  
"He has survived this long without scientific intervention, and he is likely to survive the few hours it will take for Saavik to recover. Saavik will know if anything unexpected happens, and I will be here to help her deal with it. I will bring them both to the medical center when they are ready, and not before. Do I make myself clear?"  
"Yes, Lady. May I ask why you are so insistent?"  
Amanda nodded, glancing down to make sure Saavik was sleeping before leading the Healer out of the room. "Two reasons. First, it's not unusual for a mother to want to be close to her newborn in the days immediately following birth. Second, and more important, Saavik is very fragile." Amanda paused, gathering her thoughts.  
"'Fragile'?"  
"Her mind is . . . unstable. The least thing can upset her, and she . . . She has lost two bondmates already, and lives only for her son."  
"She said her first bondmate is dead. What of her second?"  
Amanda was silent for a long moment, debating how much to tell. Finally she said, "It's not my place to tell you. It should be Saavik's choice whether or not to tell you or anyone else. I will tell you this: do not take her son from her, in any way, for any reason. She and I would appreciate it if you would pass that message on to the rest of the staff at the medical center." Amanda inclined her head gracefully at the Healer, a clear gesture of dismissal. The Healer bowed and departed. 


	7. Chapter 6: Letters

The following are excerpts from Saavik's personal log over several years, at uneven intervals. She speaks to David here, as if he could read her logs and respond to them. The events described here are concurrent with those in the following chapter.  
  
Stardate 8489.3  
David, t'hy'la, our son was born last night. He is beautiful, just like his father. I cannot hold him enough. Amanda says he is small for a Vulcan baby, but to me he is perfect. He pulls my hair and smiles at me, and I cannot be angry with him. He is a sweet baby, always smiling and laughing. I love him. I promise you, I will let our son be happy. I will let him chose how much he is Vulcan. I will do anything for him. You should see him, David. He is so happy. I miss you, t'hy'la. I wish you were here, to share our son with me. I must go, David. I love you.  
  
Stardate 8494.2  
Taavi is crawling! He gets into everything! He is so curious, David. Amanda says that is normal for babies. He is so beautiful. I am told he looks just like me, but I cannot see the resemblance. He has your hair, t'hy'la, soft and blonde and curly. And your laugh, high and sweet and childish. Amanda taught us 'Patty-Cake' today. Did you ever play that game as a baby? Taavi loves it. He laughs every time we play. I love it when he laughs. He is so happy. I hope he never stops laughing.  
Sarek does not like it when we play. He says that Vulcan parents do not play with their children. I think he's jealous that he never got to play with his own son, so he tries not to let me play with Taavi. But I have decided that Taavi should know his father's people, David. I think you would agree with me, that our son should know human and Vulcan equally. That is how I plan to raise him. I will send him to a Vulcan school, where he can learn to be Vulcan, but I will also teach him about humans. Amanda has agreed to help me, and I have special permission to bring Taavi to visit the Starfleet base to play.  
Spock still does not remember me, David. Without you, without him, I am so alone. Taavi is wonderful and I love him, but he is not you. I miss you, t'hy'la. I miss you very much.  
  
Stardate 8502.6  
Taavi is walking now. He climbs on the counters and tables and gets into everything. It is so hard to discipline him, though, because he is so cute! Amanda agrees that it is difficult to discipline children as cute as our son. But he must learn not to try and eat everything, or he will hurt himself. You should see him, t'hy'la, toddling around the house looking for more mischief to get into. He never cries, even when he really hurts himself. He is so fascinated by the sight of his own blood that he never feels the cut. He didn't want me to bandage his finger. He wanted to watch it bleed! He will be a great scientist, if that is what he decides to do. He is curious enough. I wish you were here to help me. Sometimes I don't know what to do with him, he is so clever. I put him down for a nap this afternoon, and found him in the living room fifteen minutes later, eating a cookie. Amanda swears she didn't see him, and no one else was home. He must learn to be careful, or he will hurt himself. I know, every child must get hurt before they truly learn caution. I just don't want my son to suffer. He is too precious to me. I must go now; Amanda is calling me. I love you, t'hy'la, and I will speak with you later.  
  
Stardate 8638.9  
I am worried, David. Taavi is nearly three years old, and I have yet to hear him speak. I try to get him to talk, as do Amanda and Sarek, but he does not speak. He will point, or make other motions, but he does not say a word. At Sarek's suggestion, Amanda speaks Standard to Taavi, and Sarek and I speak Vulcan. But my son is still confused. I don't understand it. How hard is it to learn what an object is called? I was older than he when I first learned to speak a civilized tongue. What makes Taavi so different? I do not know, t'hy'la. If you are listening, if you can hear me, tell me what you think. Can you help our son learn to talk? I know he is capable; he is very intelligent. He does not want to speak, and he must learn before he can start school. How can I help him, David? If you can, please tell me. I love you, t'hy'la, and I miss you. I dream of you often, of you and Spock. I wish he would remember me; then I would not be so alone. I must go, it is time for dinner. Until next time, my love.  
  
Stardate 8795  
Taavi started school today. I walked him to class and introduced him to his teacher. He would not speak to her, not that he speaks much at home. I hope he fits in at school. Amanda tells me Spock never fit in, always subject to teasing and practical jokes. She also tells me that those with Romulan blood are often given similar treatment. I hope Taavi learns to understand.  
  
Stardate 8822.4  
Taavi came home from school looking like he'd been in a fight. He wasn't crying, though; he was walking tall and proud. I have taught him well. He told me some of the older children in his class were calling him names, and when he ignored them, they started hitting him. He didn't hit them back. He just tried to get away. The teacher didn't stop them, she just ignored the whole incident. Taavi said the other children called him an 'earther', a 'dirty terran', a 'filthy half-breed', and he told them he was proud to be half human. He has nothing to be ashamed of, and I told him so. He smiled at me when I told him I was proud of him. I am proud of him. You would be, too, I know you would. Watch over our son while he's at school. Make sure he doesn't get too badly hurt. I cannot always watch him, though I wish I could, but I know you can. I hope you are as proud of Taavi as I am. I love you, David, and I always will.  
  
Stardate 8883.2  
Today is Taavi's tenth birthday. He thinks we have decided not to celebrate again. Amanda has planned a surprise: we are taking him on a tour of a starship. He has been asking me for several months now to see a starship, a real starship. Because today is special, Amanda, Sarek and I are taking Taavi to see a starship, then we are going out to dinner. You should be here to see him. He is so like you, always looking for answers that don't exist. I wish you could be here to share our son's special day. I still dream about you, t'hy'la. It is said that Vulcans rarely dream, yet I dream of you every night. In my dreams, you hold me tight, and say you love me. Do not leave me alone, David. Will you hold me tonight, my love? I need you, t'hy'la, need to feel your arms around me, to feel your body pressed against mine. I – David, t'hy'la, I must go. Wait for me, love. I will return, I promise. 


	8. Chapter 7: Correspondence

These letters were sent over approximately the same time period as the excerpts from Saavik's logs in the previous chapter.  
  
Stardate 8392.8  
  
Spock,  
  
How are you, my son? I know, an illogical, human question, but I'm human, and illogical, so therefore I must ask. Life here proceeds much as it has for years. The house is, as always, empty without you. How soon before you plan to come home again?  
Speaking of home, there is a young woman who has come to stay with us; perhaps you remember her. Lieutenant Saavik. Dark curly hair, bottomless black eyes, and a volatile temper. Ring any bells? She has been asking after you most insistently. If you remember her, please contact me first. She seems quite attached to you, and I don't want her to be disappointed.  
  
With love, Mother  
  
Stardate 8426  
  
Mother,  
  
You are correct; your question is human and illogical. As humans would say, I am fine; thank you for asking. It is considered polite to return the question, and so I will. How are you? I am not planning on returning home in the foreseeable future. If nothing terribly unexpected happens, I will return to Vulcan in no more than fifteen years, possibly sooner. I understand this is not the answer you wanted, but it is the truth.  
I regret to inform you that I have no memory of a Lieutenant Saavik. Perhaps that is one of the memories I have lost. As I have no wish to hurt or disappoint, I will not attempt to contact her. Perhaps if you explain my situation, she will understand.  
  
Peace and long life, Spock  
  
Stardate 8492  
  
Spock,  
  
Father and I are well, and I hope this letter finds you in the same condition. Saavik sends her regards – or rather, she would if she knew I was writing to you.  
Saavik knows what happened to you; she helped rescue you from Genesis. She has known you for fifteen years, since Thieurrull. Your failure to remember her has left her heartbroken. If you truly don't want to hurt her, you'll try to remember. She does nothing but sit in her room and cry, calling your name. I don't know how much more of it I can take. Please try, Spock.  
I'm sorry to hear that you're not planning to come home anytime soon. We miss you, and I hope you'll reconsider and come home sooner. Kaiidith. You will come home when you decide and not before. Be well, my son.  
  
Love, Amanda  
  
Stardate 8878.5  
  
Mother,  
  
My apologies for not writing to you sooner. I have been busy with my duties aboard the Enterprise and have not had time to write. We were out of range for 18.7 months, and otherwise incommunicado for 15.3 months before that. Since then, our personnel have been reassigned no less than five times in the past six months. I have been kept busy reworking the duty shifts almost constantly. I hope you understand.  
I will be returning to Vulcan as soon as I can arrange transport. I have been dreaming three nights out of every four, and my dreams have been very disturbing, to say the least. I believe I have remembered Lieutenant Saavik. Please do not tell her, as I wish to keep my returning memory and impending arrival a surprise. You may tell Father, if you wish. I wish only to surprise Saavik. Send Father my regards. Peace and long life.  
  
Your son, Spock 


	9. Chapter 8: Reunion

Saavik smiled at her son's enthusiasm. The tour of the USS Alleya had been a great success. Taavi had loved every minute of the four-hour tour, and his only complaint was that it had been much too short. Dinner at his favorite restaurant promised similar results.  
Suddenly Saavik stiffened. Taavi stopped talking and gave her a concerned look. "Mother? Are you all right?" he asked, touching her arm. She shook him off and turned toward the door, standing. "Mother?"  
"Sit down, Taavikam," Amanda said. "Your mother will be fine. Let her be." Taavi sat, confused. "Trust me, Taavi. Just watch."  
Spock entered the room and spotted his parents. With them was a young boy of about ten and a young woman who could only be the boy's mother. As he drew closer, Spock identified the woman as Lieutenant Saavik. He greeted his parents automatically, his eyes never leaving Saavik, who watched him intently.  
Saavik watched as Spock slowly made his way to their table, waiting impatiently for him to greet his parents. He turned his full attention on her, and she could wait no longer. She ran the three steps separating them and flung her arms around his neck, forgetting they were in public, not caring if he remembered her or not. She held him tightly, burying her face in his neck.  
Spock returned the unexpected embrace, putting his arms around her waist and his face in her hair. It felt so right, even though he knew this was neither the time nor the place. He whispered her name, whispered gentle nonsense in her ear, and was rewarded with another squeeze.  
{{You remembered!}}  
{{Only that I need you, Saavikam.}}  
{{I will show you the rest, ashaya. Soon, I promise.}}  
Taavi pulled Saavik away, concerned and a little hurt. "Mother, you know you're not supposed to touch Vulcans!" he admonished, clinging to her arm.  
Saavik enfolded him in a hug. "Sometimes exceptions are made for very close friends, Taavi. I haven't seen Spock since before you were born, and I have missed him." She smiled down at her son. "Would you mind if I invited him to join us?"  
Taavi thought about it. "Mr. Spock, will you join us for dinner?" Saavik hugged her son again, beaming.  
"I believe I will, Taavi," Spock said thoughtfully. "May I ask the occasion?"  
"It's my tenth birthday today, Mr. Spock."  
Spock slid into the seat next to Saavik, pressing close. "Ten years old, today? Among humans, that is an important birthday. How has your day been?"  
"I had lots of fun! This morning I did my homework, but all I had was my science project, so it was fun. After lunch mom and grandma took me to see the USS Alleya. I got a tour of the ship. I even got to pilot it! And the science labs were awesome. I got to run some tests using their equipment, and I got the same results as they had!" The boy's enthusiasm was infectious, and Spock soon found himself smiling.  
After dinner, they piled into the car. Sarek drove, and Amanda sat next to him. Saavik sat in back, her arm around Taavi. Spock sat on her other side, his arm around her shoulders. He liked the boy well enough, but saw him as a rival for Saavik's affection. Taavi, in turn, did not like the way Spock looked possessively at Saavik. Saavik appeared oblivious to the growing tension between her son and her lover, cuddling them both on the short drive home.  
  
Saavik led Spock to his bedroom, the same room where she had been staying. He looked startled at the minute changes she had made. "Amanda thought that perhaps being close to your things would help calm me down when I first arrived. It didn't work, but we never really saw a need for me to move out. You hardly ever stay here, even when you do come visit. Or so I'm told." She hovered anxiously at his side, and he took her hand.  
"I don't mind, Saavikam. You may stay here. I will sleep in the spare bedroom."  
"It's Taavi's room now. And I was hoping you would stay with me."  
Spock looked at her for a long moment. She was pleading him to stay, and she had never begged or pleaded with him before in her life. "I will stay, Saavikam." She smiled, and her whole face lit up. Spock wondered why she had never smiled like that as a child, then dismissed the thought as irrelevant.  
They got ready for bed, then sat facing each other on the bed, unsure what would happen next. They sat like that for several minutes, until Saavik said, "You are not whole, Spock. The Adepts, the Healers, they cannot sense you as I can." She brushed his face with her fingertips. "I have always sensed you, Spock." She dropped her hand, looking deep into his eyes. "I can help you remember, Spock. Please, let me help."  
Spock considered for a moment. "As you wish, Saavikam." He touched her hands, gently, hesitantly, then drew back and waited for her to make the next move.  
Saavik slowly reached out and touched Spock's face, her fingers resting lightly on his katra-points. Their eyes met again, and she was falling, falling through his eyes into his mind.

* * *

It was the same neatly ordered rooms she remembered from before, though they were more chaotic now. There was more pain, and confusion. Much of the pain came from not being able to remember. She soothed the pain, comforted the confusion, probing ever deeper, searching for something only she could find. Sometimes he resisted, tried to hold her back. But she was stronger than he was, now, and she loved him, and that was enough to let down his shields. She found the place where he became two, and felt his pain. She called first to her teacher, bringing him close to her, showing him the love she had never expressed for him before. Then she called the boy, called him with love, showing him the vast knowledge she had hidden from him on Genesis. The boy and the teacher merged, became one, blending, sharing, defining edges blurring. She smoothed out the rough places, bringing them together until he was whole, unified, seamless. She touched his core, opening herself to him, becoming one with him. He held her love, examined it, and returned it, wrapping her in love and acceptance and friendship. They were one, together, always parted and never apart, never and always touching and touched.

* * *

Spock woke feeling better than he had since his fal-tor-pan. Saavik was nestled in his arms, fast asleep. His memories of the night before were hazy, indistinct. His last clear memory was of Saavik's fingers touching his face. After that, everything was a blur of thoughts and memories not his own, some which could not possibly be Saavik's. He searched his mind for clarification, finding it in memories of Genesis. Saavik had saved his life on that planet, saved him from the fires of Pon Farr, bonding with him in the process. Last night they had rebuilt that bond, disturbed as it had been by his fal-tor-pan.  
Saavik lay basking in the warmth of her ashalik. He loved her as she loved him, and he had accepted her as his mate. Soon, in a month or so, he would burn with pon farr, but for now he was hers. His arms tightened around her and she smiled. {{I'm not going anywhere, ashaya.}} He kissed the top of her head, laughing silently at her. She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes, truly happy for the first time in her life. 


	10. Chapter 9: Marriage and Challenges

Spock ran his hands through Saavik's hair, enjoying the feel of it, soft and silky. According to tradition, it would be put up for tonight's ceremony. Spock didn't want it up. He had never seen her with her hair up, and he did not wish to. True, she kept it pinned back out of her face as per Starfleet regulations, but she had never put it up, and Spock liked it down. His fingers caught in a snarl and she jerked away, her hands touching his as she took the lock of hair away from him.  
"I said you could play with my hair, not pull it," she scolded playfully, her experienced fingers deftly untangling the snarl.  
"My apologies, Saavikam. I was not expecting it." He leaned forward and kissed her ear. She laughed at him and twisted around to kiss him. The fires he had so carefully held at bay escaped his control and he gasped at her touch, pulling her to him.  
"Not yet, ashalik t'nash-veh. Soon, I promise," Saavik said, pulling away gently.  
"Not soon enough, Saavikam." He watched her dress as a fresh wave of desire hit him. He reached for her mind and found it shielded against him.  
Saavik felt his probe batter at her carefully constructed shields. "Not yet, ashalik. It is not yet time. My mind must be clear tonight."  
Spock reached for her hand. "Why, Saavik? Why must I wait?"  
"You must meditate, Spock. You must be in control until after the ceremony. I will leave you now, ashaya. I will see you at the ceremony." Without another word, she left.  
Spock stared at the door as it closed behind Saavik. "Why, Saavik, ashalik t'nash-veh? I do not understand why!" With effort, he settled his body for meditation. His mind took much longer before it, too, became still, and he could begin to regain control of the flames.  
  
Saavik entered the amphitheatre accompanied by Sarek, Amanda, and Taavi. Taavi's inclusion was unusual, but so was his family. Saavik saw Spock, and their eyes met. {{Stay calm for me, ashaya,}} she sent. He nodded slightly at her, his eyes never leaving hers. T'Lar was speaking, and Saavik tried to pay attention.  
"What you will see here comes from our forefathers, as ancient as this world. It is Tradition. Let the ceremony begin!" She spoke in Standard for the Starfleet personnel present, few as they were. "Kali farr!"  
For a moment there was silence. T'Lar was about to continue when Taavi ran to the center of the arena. "Kali-fi!" he shouted. Saavik ran after him, almost as if she had expected this.  
"Taavi, Taavikam, don't do this, my son," she whispered, too softly for anyone else to hear.  
"He will take you away from me, Mother. He already has."  
Saavik knelt by her son, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Taavi, my son, you should have said something before. You knew we were planning this. We could have discussed it, come to an agreement. Now it is too late. Please understand, Taavikam. Please," she begged him.  
T'Lar spoke again, interrupting them. "Let the boy speak, Saavik. He has called Challenge. Now he must tell us why." Saavik returned to her place.  
Taavi took a deep breath. "I challenge Spock's right to marry my mother. She already has a mate, a husband: my father. It is unheard of for a woman to have two." There were tears in his eyes, but he was determined not to show weakness. "I call Challenge!" He stood defiantly in the arena, refusing to show how scared he was.  
T'Lar turned to Saavik. "Is this true?"  
"I was bonded to Taavi's father, David Marcus, for only a short time before he was killed. There is no law, no tradition, which prevents a widow from choosing another mate. I have chosen Spock." Her voice was clear and steady, masking the pain she felt at Taavi's attempt to keep her to himself.  
T'Lar turned to Spock. "Do you accept Saavik's choice?"  
"Yes."  
She turned back to Taavi. "Your challenge is invalid, sa-kan. Return to your place." Taavi obeyed, though tears flowed freely down his face. Saavik gave him a quick one-armed hug, and Amanda stayed near him. "Spock. Saavik. Come forward." They stepped forward, facing each other. T'Lar raised her hands to begin the meld that would link them forever, then paused. "You are already linked," she said quietly. It was a statement, not a question.  
"From Genesis," Spock replied, his voice equally soft.  
"It would not be this strong."  
"We have always been linked," Saavik spoke up. "Always."  
T'Lar completed her movement, lightly touching each of their minds. {{You hide from him, Saavik.}}  
{{I suspected my son would do something rash. I needed my mind clear to deal with him. I hide nothing from Spock.}}  
{{Then show me. Take down your shields.}}  
Saavik gasped as her shields came down and Spock's mind touched hers. His mind was a maelstrom of passions, of desire and anger and frustration. Her first instinct was to pull back, to remain herself. Her second impulse was to let go, to join him, to be him. She let go, allowed herself to be pulled into his mind, and gave herself to him. His fever cooled as her love hit him like a bucket of cold water, and he clung to it, wrapping it about him. She held him, loved him, became him. {{T'hy'la, ashaya t'nash-veh, ashalik.}} Neither of them noticed when T'Lar withdrew, or when the transporter beam deposited them in their bedroom.

* * *

Saavik kissed her lover gently. Exertion made him warm, almost as warm as she was. He was sleeping, and she lightly touched his mind. {{T'hy'la, my love, hold me tight. Do not leave me, David. Don't leave me alone. Hold me, love me, stay with me always, and I will love you and hold you and give you children. I am yours, yours alone. I will have no other. Stay with me, David, and do not leave me.}} He woke slowly, his arms tightening around her.  
{{I love you, Saavikam,}} he whispered in her mind.

* * *

Saavik sat up, startled out of her half-dream. "David?"  
"No, Saavikam. Do you not remember? He is dead. He died on Genesis, to save you." Spock also sat up, holding her hands.  
"NO! He lives, he is not dead! He cannot be dead! I feel him, feel his arms around me, hear his voice whisper in my ear, feel his mind touching mine. He is not dead!" She pulled away from Spock, crying, still denying David's death. Suddenly she turned on him. "You! You killed him. You wanted what I gave him, and you could never ask. Then David got what you wanted, and you killed him because you wanted me! You were jealous, because you couldn't have me. You couldn't ask for what you wanted; you thought I couldn't give it. But I could, and you saw me with David, and you were jealous, so you killed him. You killed him, and now you think you can have me. Well you can't, do you hear me? You can't have me, because you killed David, and I will never love another! Never!" She hit him with each declaration, hit him with all her anger and frustration, all the love and hate she possessed. Spock took each blow without flinching, stoically enduring her abuse.  
Finally she stopped, still sobbing, her strength spent. Careful of his injuries, Spock picked her up and held her close. "I love you, Saavikam. I never wanted to hurt you. If that meant letting you marry David, and leave me alone, I would gladly do it. But David is dead, Saavik, killed by Klingons on Genesis. He died so that you might live, because he knew how much you loved me. He did not want to hurt you, Saavikam. He wanted to free you, so you could love me, without his interference. He loved you, Saavikam, and wanted you to live. He wanted you to be happy. Was his sacrifice in vain? Will you live so much in the past that you ignore David's sacrifice? He died so that you might live, and have me, and be happy. If you do not try, if you insist on living in the past, and being miserable, then his sacrifice will have been pointless. Come back to me, Saavikam. We can be happy together, if you will but try. I love you, Saavik. I want to make you happy. I will hold you, and love you, and be with you always, if you will only try to be happy. Please, Saavikam. Please, ashalik t'nash-veh. Please." He was crying, now, as well. He had never spoken so emotionally before, and it was a new experience. He held Saavik tightly, silently pleading her to understand, his tears mingling with hers.  
"Spock?" Saavik asked, several hours later. "Spock, I am sorry. Please, forgive me. I did not mean to hurt you. I am sorry."  
Spock held her, and said nothing. {{There is nothing to forgive, ashaya.}}  
"I hurt you. Please, forgive me."  
"You are still not well, my wife. I cannot forgive you, because you have done nothing wrong. You still love David, and are still upset over his death. Violence is understandable, Saavik. He was your bondmate, a part of you, and that part of you is now missing. It is reasonable for you to become violent, or suicidal. I am here, and I will help you. You helped me; now it is my turn to help you. Will you let me?"  
Saavik remained silent, snuggling closer to Spock. He held her, and she seemed to draw comfort from him. Finally she spoke. "Hold me, ashaya t'nash-veh. Hold me tight and never let me go. I am yours, ashalik, forever and always. Hold me, Spock. Never let me go."  
"I will never let you go, Saavikam. I will hold you, because you are mine, and I am yours, and I will never let you go." {{I am here for you, Saavik. Ashau nash-veh du, Saavikam, eh dungi kwon-sum ashau.}} 


	11. Chapter 10: Kirk's Surprise

'Golden Boy', that's was how they referred to him when he found himself walking in their midst these days. He hardly felt nor by the reflection staring back at him in the window, did he look like a boy anymore. Touches of silver mixed with gray, could be seen in the reflection, while the tired, tarnished edges and feet of clay could be felt more heavily. No, he was not 'Golden' either. What he was, was a weary, disenchanted old man.  
  
Captain James T. Kirk, the man who had taken Starfleet where it never been before and prevented what may have been the utter collapse of the Federation four years earlier at Camp Khitomer, was in truth nothing more than a tawdry icon these days.  
  
A bitter realization that had slapped him in the face after the last eight months of being dragged kicking and spitting to every christening for every ship that was Miranda class and up, ready to leave the McKinley Station. All that was necessary of him any more, it seemed, was to stand on the bridge of the ship, force a painful smile on his face for the news crews, and give the obligatory 'Take us out' command followed by the polite applause of another job well done. It had a downward spiraling effect on a man who had spent his life chasing the stars for an idea and organization that he had basically handed over his soul and heart to. Now he found their gratitude toward all he had done disheartening and unpalatable.  
  
Here he stood; the man who could've claimed that he literally had the universe by the tail only a few years ago, now a tin icon with nothing in his life to keep him going. Even the friends he had, closer than family, were slipping away.  
  
Chekov was now within reach of getting his own ship after too many years of being overlooked by Command. Uhura was using all her time as an instructor for the Academy, even touring the other branches spread throughout Federation space. Sulu had his own ship, the Excelsior, and was in the fourth year of his second tour with her and its crew that had the possibility of giving the 'Enterprise's' original crew a run for its money. And Scotty had finally retired after fifty-two years of service, only to die in a tragic crash aboard a transport ship on its way to the Norpin Colony. A colony developed as a retirement center, a fact that disturbed Kirk no end when he considered permanently retiring from time to time. Such as now.  
  
He did see McCoy every now and then, since the Doctor had chosen to remain a part of Starfleet after Khitomer and was overseeing the medical branch of the Academy. Yet their meetings were few and far between, with McCoy spending as much free time as he could with Joanna and his grandkids.  
  
Even Spock had managed to surprise him, though not with his choice of remaining in Starfleet. That decision had been expected by everyone, including Ambassador Sarek, who had even exhibited some pleasure at his son's choice of stepping into a diplomatic role instead of returning to the bridge of the 'Enterprise'.  
  
Spock had accomplished more than find a useful place for himself in Starfleet; he had found something that Kirk had lost and never regained even when his chances fell at his feet. Spock had found himself a family waiting when he had returned to Vulcan five years ago to marry Saavik and adopt her son Taavi as his own.  
  
A wife and a son, two things that Kirk at one time had come close to having then lost in one fell and devastating swoop on the surface of the Genesis planet at the end of a Klingon dagger. David was dead; Carol had being doing everything possible to keep him from coming back into her life afterwards, before remarrying and taking a position on another independent science station. Leaving him to ponder alone, if any one of the three of them had, together or separate accomplished anything other than destroy one life and mangle two others beyond repair.  
  
Behind him the chimes announced a late hour visitor, snapping Kirk back to his somber reality as he stared at his reflection in the window before half turning toward the door. Scowling he shot a quick look at the clock on the shelves along the wall and noted the time was well past midnight, when the chimes softly rang out again.  
  
"Come," he finally said, then moved to gaze back out at the lighted outline of Golden Gate Bridge, somehow knowing who was impatiently waiting on the other side of the door.  
  
Hesitating in the doorway, Dr. Leonard McCoy glanced around the dark apartment until his eyes fell on Kirk's frame in front of the picture windows over looking the bay. Without a word, he stepped into the apartment, frowning worriedly at his friend's lack of greeting of any kind.  
  
"Jim?" he quietly said as he slowly moved through the apartment toward Kirk.  
  
Moving his head enough to watch the Doctor approach from the corner of his eye, Kirk took in a deep breath before replying. "I thought you we're heading back to Atlanta for the weekend?"  
  
"I am," McCoy said, coming up beside Kirk to give the landscape a look as well. "Before I left my office this evening something came across my desk that honestly, Jim, I wasn't sure about showing you."  
  
The tone in McCoy's voice gave evidence to the inner turmoil he had gone through in making his decision before coming to Jim's apartment, and it made Kirk give the man a sharp look.  
  
Meeting his friend's hard hazel stare, McCoy retrieved a hard copy of a file from within the jacket he wore and handed it over to Kirk. "I still can't say that I'm doing the right thing, considering it hasn't been accepted by Starfleet yet, but something told me I couldn't sit by and not let you know. Otherwise, it was sorta like history repeating itself, to my way of thinking."  
  
Slightly bewildered by what McCoy was saying, Kirk took the file from the man as he ordered the overhead lights on at level three and began to read as the soft glow flooded the room. After a number of minutes, he lowered the file and stared out the window, a mix of disbelief and exuberance flooded into his eyes as he studied his reflection for several seconds.  
  
Suddenly a wave of anger swept through the hazel stare that he fixed on McCoy, as if he was the cause to his immediate ire. "She knew all this time and never said a word to anyone."  
  
"I haven't got a clue if she did or didn't tell anyone, Jim. I was only going over the request to return for duty because I was the one who originally went over her medical files when she first came aboard the 'Enterprise'. Anything other than that, I don't know about other than what's in her file now," McCoy said, the concern in his voice taking away a small percentage from the words of defense he used. "For all either one of us knows, the entire planet of Vulcan has known for the last fifteen years. You know how they can be at times. One of them may have a minuscule secret that they share with everyone else on the planet, but they'll be buggered if they'll let any of the rest of us know, even if it involves one of us illogical types. Let's not forget how long Spock kept that little fact about Sybok from us, before we met the man. Whatever reason Saavik had, I'm sure it's logical to her and the others. I can't help but think that Sarek and Amanda knew as well, which I realize doesn't mean they needed to be blabbing to you about it all. But..." Hesitating, McCoy fixed his emotion-filled eyes on his own reflection within the glass. "Damn it, Jim. I don't know, maybe it has to do with what went on in the past with Carol or what I've gotten to discover myself with Joanna and the grandkids; I just thought you should at least know that you had a grandson."  
  
His gaze drifting down to the file he still held in his hand, Kirk found that he nearly destroyed it in his flash of rage and slowly unclenched his fist to let the file barely unravel. He knew exactly how it felt, as he suddenly moved from the window and tossed it on the coffee table a few feet away.  
  
"What is it, Bones? What is it about me, that others seem to find a need to hide things from me? Am I some type of monster that I can't even recognize after all these years?" he asked as he threw himself on the couch and began to rub his tired eyes with the heels of his hands, before looking over at the Doctor again. "Was there a time that I changed and missed it?"  
  
Still standing at the window, McCoy gazed at his long time friend with half- hidden ruefulness, then shot a quick look back out at the night sky, already mentally kicking himself for deciding to do this now instead of waiting when the man wouldn't be spending a couple of days on his own.  
  
Sighing, he slowly moved toward the couch and paused on the other side of the coffee table, gazing emphatically down at Kirk. "You became a legend, Jim. A walking, talking, breathing three dimensional living legend. Something that you don't see happening until it's done. And let's face it Jim, you above anyone else knows that it isn't the charmed existence we've been lead to believe when you find yourself facing life afterwards, alone or with the ghosts that follow you. Maybe that's what Carol foresaw how many years ago? And that could possibly be part of the reason neither Saavik nor Spock has said anything. A father, a grandfather who is the greatest figure to come out of Starfleet is a very tempting set of footsteps to follow in for a young man."  
  
Kirk said nothing as he glared sullenly past the Doctor, wondering if he was the only one who hadn't seen how his life was going to end up. All his life had been spent for Starfleet, chasing the stars and receiving what for a reward at the end of his decades of travel? Emptiness of every shape and form. It was not what one was told about when signing up for your first mission with plans to protect the universe with your life and those of your crew when the need arose.  
  
"Listen Jim, I've got to get going. I have a pile of files to go through for next week, and I'd like to get a start tonight so I can spend some time with the grandkids during the weekend." Breaking into Kirk's dismal thoughts, McCoy glanced at his wrist chronometer then gave his friend a final worried look. "Jim, before you do anything, take a little time to think about everything."  
  
The scowl that swept over Kirk's face when he met the steady concerned blue gaze expressed little to comfort the Doctor. "Considering I have all the time in the universe these days Bones, I'll take your suggestion under advisement."  
  
It was the Doctor's turn to frown. "Jim. I just..."  
  
The exhaustion filled Kirk's face again as his gaze fell to the crumpled file on the coffee table. "I know, Bones, and try not to worry about me. I'm not technically your responsibility any more."  
  
"Until one of us is dead you are going to need me to be responsible for you. I'll see ya next week, Jim," called McCoy as he headed out the apartment door, leaving Kirk alone once more.  
  
A number of silent minutes went by as Kirk remained motionless on the couch, gaze still resting on the half destroyed file. Finally he retrieved it, then propped his feet on the edge of the coffee table and started flattening the file out on his knee while re-reading the wrinkled words again.  
  
As he did so, he thought over the words McCoy had said and came to one conclusion immediately. As of now, he was already dead. 


	12. Chapter 11: Leaving

"Why, Mother? Why are you leaving?" Taavi asked for the tenth time in twenty minutes. Saavik said nothing and continued packing. Taavi planted himself in her way. She stopped and stared at him, her expression unreadable. "You can't go, Mother! I won't let you!"  
"I must go, Taavikam. My stars are calling me. I have stayed too long already. You cannot stop me, my son." Her eyes were sad as she watched Taavi wilt.  
"Why must you leave?" Tears stung his cheeks. "I don't understand." In all his fifteen years, his mother had never left him for more than a day. She had informed him, twenty minutes ago, that she would be leaving in three hours. Two hours, thirty-nine minutes, and twenty-two seconds, now.  
"Two hours, thirty-seven minutes, fifty-three seconds," Saavik corrected automatically. She hugged her son. "I would take you with me, if you wanted, Taavikam," she whispered. "Other parents take their children. But you are an adult, and you must choose. Amanda said you are welcome to stay here, with her and Sarek. Or you may come with me, aboard the Alleya."  
Taavi buried his face in Saavik's shoulder, like a child. {{I want you to stay, Mother.}}  
"That is not an option, my son. I am leaving, whether you choose to stay or go."  
{{I cannot choose, Mother! Don't make me choose!}}  
"If you will not choose, then you will remain here and attend the Science Academy."  
{{I will miss you.}}  
"And I will miss you, Taavikam. You may write to me, and I will write back as often as I can. I promise."  
{{Will you come home?}}  
"As often as possible."  
{{Promise?}}  
"I promise. Now, if you will excuse me, I must finish packing." Taavi released her and left her alone.  
  
"I don't know, Taavikam. Did you try asking her?" Amanda suggested patiently.  
"She just said the stars were calling her, and she had stayed too long already. She wouldn't tell me anything!" Taavi sat on sullenly on the couch in the living room, across from his grandmother.  
"All I can tell you, Taavi, is that she belongs among the stars. Your mother was not meant to stay planetbound." Amanda was trying her best to explain her daughter to Taavi, but the boy was not listening.  
"Why does she want to leave? Have I done something wrong?"  
"You are not listening, sa-kan. Her leaving has nothing to do with you. She has spent the past fifteen years planetbound, and this has made her – ill. She needs to be in space, among the stars, where she belongs." Amanda's nearly infinite patience was beginning to run low. Taavi had been asking her these same questions for nearly an hour and a half, and she was sick of it. If only the boy would listen!  
"I don't understand, Grandmother!"  
"That is because you are not listening."  
"I am listening!"  
"You listen with your ears, but you do not hear with your heart, or your head. You hear what I say, but you don't try to understand. Listen, Taavi. You must listen before you can begin to understand." Frustrated, Amanda stood and left the boy crying on the couch.  
  
"She listens to you, Grandfather. If you ask her to stay, I know she will." Taavi had washed his face and was speaking to Sarek via realtime subspace transmission.  
"I will not, sa-kan. It would be extremely illogical for me to ask your mother to remain on Vulcan after the effort I put in arranging for her assignment in Starfleet, and the difficulty I had convincing her to accept it."  
"But – "  
"It was her choice, Taavi. She chose the stars, long before you were born. It is time she returned to the stars. Long past time, in fact. If you had not been born, she would have returned to space years ago."  
"Grandfather – "  
"She stayed for you, sa-kan. Because she loves you. If you love her, you will let her return to space, and her stars."  
"But, Grandfather, - "  
"I will hear no more of this from you. Do you understand, sa-kan?"  
"Yes, sir. I understand."  
"Good. Sochya eh dif, Taavi." He cut the connection.  
"Live long and prosper, Grandfather," Taavi mumbled to a blank screen.  
  
Saavik watched her three small bags disappear in the sparkle of the transporter beam. She turned to Amanda. "Thank you for everything, T'Sai Amanda." She turned to her son and put her hands on his shoulders. "I will return, Taavikam, I promise you. You will understand when you are older, I think." She hugged him fiercely, whispering in his ear, "Trust me, little one. I love you."  
Taavi was too choked up to speak. {{I love you, Mother. Come back soon. I miss you already.}}  
Saavik smiled sadly and kissed his cheek. "Be strong, my son. Live long and prosper." She hit her combadge and ordered transport.  
As Taavi watched the transporter effect take his mother away, a single tear traced its way down his face. He turned and fled, locking himself in his room and refusing to speak to anyone. 


	13. Chapter 12: Kirk's Approach

Decked out impeccably in his dress uniform, Kirk stood alone at a viewing port aboard the 'U.S.S. Freedom' staring solemnly down at the surface of the planet Vulcan. He had been standing there for the last forty minutes, ten minutes longer than the ship had been in orbit, silently working himself up for a moment that he had been building up in his mind for the last two months.  
  
Resentment and contempt had been boiling through him for the first week after Bones had brought him the news and the file. He surprised himself when Carol leapt to his mind in the middle of the night and the embitterment he still held after twelve years of finally being informed he had a son. That was something he found would take longer than he had left within him to forgive her for. Her reasoning and excuses, even when they were explained, did little to console a man who wasn't even given a chance to make his own decision on being in the boy's life or not. A boy that became a young man he never had come to know, because of an act that was meant to cripple him and had instead nearly destroyed him, as well as the ideals he had strived for all his life. However, the same act had saved the life of one of his closest friends and the young cadet who had been close to both the men on Genesis at the moment of David's decision.  
  
The target of his anger switched then, to the two people that had in a sense brought him out here. The knowledge that Saavik had chosen to keep the fact of David being the father of her child had been a wound from the past brutally reopened. She had made her choice for whatever reason and had kept it a secret well. Well enough that Spock had refrained from speaking a word of the child to him even after their marriage five years ago. And that had bothered him perhaps more than he anticipated, when he finally allowed himself the time to think about it.  
  
If anyone had ever asked him, he would've laughed to think it was possible for Spock to purposefully keep anything from him. Specifically anything that would have pertained him in some personal fashion. Nevertheless, he was finding more and more that the closer he was to someone the deeper they could surprise him.  
  
However, he had heeded McCoy's words and taken time to settle his first reaction of discovering that he was a grandfather. In doing so, he finally let it sink in that he was a grandfather.  
  
He hadn't been able to become accustomed to the knowledge of being a father, let alone facing the next step of being a grandfather. Moreover, it seemed to add to the ever present fact that he was no longer the enthusiastic, adventure seeking man of valor and could've deepened his already despondent attitude if he had let it.  
  
A sudden cold shiver swept up Kirk's spine as he recalled how intense his depression had become before this and had to force himself from considering what may have happened if Saavik's file hadn't fallen on to McCoy's desk.  
  
Instead he found himself oddly grateful to this unexpected revelation in a couple of aspects, once he had overcome his initial reaction. He may have a chance to gain what he was never given with his own son, an actual relationship that could become something closer than grandfather and grandson. The one thing he hadn't been able to have with his father or even brother and then later denied with his own son. A friendship.  
  
Ego, he would admit, was the second 'motive'. As a man who knew he was past his prime and no longer held the universe in awe of his endeavors, he had a need to know that part of himself was still running through the universe. He was going to be leaving a living, breathing part of himself behind once his time was extinguished from the galaxy. More than just tired missions recounted in history classes would be his legacy after all.  
  
It had given him that small light of hope and will to pick up and continue on at a time when he didn't believe there was any such thing left for him. He had become aware of the growing solace and elation filling his nearly spent soul as the days went by until the morning he had come to terms with a number of ghosts and contacted Sarek.  
  
That had been three weeks ago and since then he had swept through another rush of emotions everyday. Half of him was fired up once more with the impending meeting. At the same time, a fear was burning just as intensely. Fear of what was going to be stirring in the young man's eyes when they finally met face to face and everything was laid open between them.  
  
He would always remember the blatant hate in David's eyes when they were forced to confront each other once Carol had finally gotten around to explaining it all to the both of them. It was one of the few ugly memories he forced himself to carry around with him till the end of his days, not wanting to forget what lay behind that picture. Yet they had reconciled somewhat before David had returned to Genesis, although Kirk could sense that the young man's heart would never be healed. Even if David had survived the attack on Genesis, Kirk was convinced that he and David never would have been as close no matter how much he would've wanted it. Some things were never meant to be was another hard lesson he had quickly faced in his early years in Starfleet and in the case with David, they never were given the opportunity to even try.  
  
The door to the private viewing-room whispered open, breaking into Kirk's somber reflective thoughts as he snapped back to his surroundings and glared at the reflection of the uniformed intruder behind him. After a heartbeat he slowly moved his head enough to look out of the corner of his eye at the figure of Captain Calum Wesley standing just inside the doorway.  
  
"Yes?" he quietly asked, recovering himself before his thoughts had a chance to surface completely.  
  
"Your luggage has been taken down to the transporter room, as you've requested. We've also received clearance from the Vulcan authorities for you to beam down at your discretion, sir." The younger captain kept his spot at the door, sensing the upheaval of emotions within the room.  
  
Taking in a deep breath, Kirk shot another glance at Wesley then gazed once more down at the planet before turning to face the 'Freedom's' captain. He managed to force a small, weary smile on his face as he started across the room, hesitating a moment in front of Wesley.  
  
"Captain Wesley, I hope you realize what you have here," Kirk said with a slight gesture to their surroundings.  
  
The younger man let a smile of his own come through as he let his gaze dart around the room, while his thoughts drifted around the corridors of the Excelsior-class ship. His pride and devotion reflected brightly in his dark blue eyes when he met Kirk's studious gaze.  
  
"Very much so, sir." He was on the verge of adding more but something in Kirk's face made him stop.  
  
The corner of Kirk's mouth twitched in an unreadable motion, as he moved a few degrees in the direction of Wesley. "A piece of advice from one captain to another. Don't let yourself become so captured by it all that you become blind to a few of the things off ship that should be the more important things in your life."  
  
Eyes narrowing slightly at the softly spoken words that had the worn edges of learning too much the hard way; Wesley gazed after Kirk as he stepped out of the room. As he followed the man out of the room, Wesley began to realize that this whole tour was more than a simple duty to a man who wore the mantel of legend like a death shroud. 


	14. Chapter 13: Kirk Meets Taavi

Sitting on the edge of his bed in the warm darkness of the Vulcan night, Kirk stared at the floor between his feet for several more seconds before running his hands over his face and glanced at the small travel chrono on the nightstand. 1:36 in the morning, little more than two hours since he had left Sarek's home and sleep had very little chance of coming tonight. However, this night it wasn't the disconsolation that had been plaguing him for nearly a year that was keeping him awake.

A nearly forgotten feeling of purpose began to stir slowly down in the crevices of his soul again when he had walked back to his hotel. He had been tending at it since he became aware of the first spark, now that he finally may have found something to give him the incentive he had lost. A grandson.

Through the day he had remained in the comfort of his air conditioned room after arriving in the incinerating heat of Vulcan, dealing with the nerves that had been anxious since making the decision to come out here. He wasn't sure what to expect and truthfully thought it was probably best if he didn't have a clue at what would be waiting for him when he arrived at Sarek's home. He could torture himself enough with his own idea's and notion's of what would occur the second he and the boy laid eyes on one another.

He taken his shower and dressed for the evening close to an hour before he had to leave, finding himself going out of his mind with the waiting. Civilian clothes was the choice he had made instead of the uniform that was now hanging on the on the closet door, the gold insignia touched by the gleam of an outside light. The decision was made; thinking his presence would be less 'overwhelming' if he presented himself as a more benevolent figure for the boy. However, it also made him feel more vulnerable.

Unable to continue pacing around the room any longer he picked up the wrapped package that he had packed as soon as he had word of his next orders. Holding it in his hands he gazed at the dark colored paper that covered it and recalled the day it had been handed to him nearly sixteen years earlier by the man he considered as close as brother to him. He had been steadily sliding into a low point at the time as well when he had received it. To him it had the equivalence of a catalyst with the events that followed afterwards. Perhaps it had the same capability one more time. With one more affectionate touch to the package he faintly smiled as he tucked it under his arm and with a deep breath started out for Sarek's home.

Upon arrival, fifteen minutes early, Kirk was somewhat relieved to find that Sarek hadn't returned from his last trip to Federation Headquarters on Earth. He admired and respected the man no end, perhaps as much as his son, but he had an air of inflexibility that Kirk wasn't sure he could contend with at this time. While Saavik had apparently left as well for her new assignment and from what Amanda had alluded to, it had only been a short period of time since she had left. Part of him was slightly put at ease to know she wasn't there, yet he was also disappointed that he wasn't going to have the prospect of speaking to her. At the same instant he chided himself, knowing fully well he would find himself at a loss of what he exactly would've said to her if had been given the opportunity. Or worse, make a total ass out of himself and lose the one chance of seeing his grandson.

He realized his apprehension was easily read the second he stepped into the cooler air of the Ambassador's home, when he noted the brilliant spark in the blue eyes of Amanda when she greeted him in the entrance hall. His confidence drooped slightly, which she also noticed and tried to bolster his spirits with an encouraging smile as she lead him out into her garden.

The evening was bringing a shift in the breeze that had more of a briskness to it, but whirled the fragrance of roses around the two humans who sat outside under the protective shade of a jasmine that she had planted one of the first days in her garden.

As soon as he had settled in his seat, Kirk noticed that he wasn't the only one at the small round table that was dealing with a recent upheaval of emotions by the shadow of worry in Amanda's eyes. It made him silently wonder if it had to do with his arrival or if he had walked into household that was dealing with its own turmoil.

In the years of living among the Vulcans and trying to adapt to their beliefs and ways, she had managed to control her reactions and emotions well when she found it necessary. Here in her own home, though, she found it difficult not to express her feelings on matters that were next to her heart even if she was attempting to keep them to herself. Then, Kirk may have had an advantage of discerning these times after thirty years of being around her son.

The weather was discussed briefly, both on Vulcan and back on Earth, before Amanda admitted that today perhaps hadn't been one of the better days for his visit. As if he had been given that much of a choice on the matter when he received his orders a month earlier. Transferred from one ship to another for a string of observation tours, he had barely managed to scrape enough time together to come here for this short visit. Bad timing or not, he wasn't about to back away now. He couldn't for more reasons than he probably realized.

Uncomfortable silence followed for several seconds before Kirk found his voice first after clearing his throat. "I wanted to be here for his birthday, but I was detained at Starbase 37 for forty-eight hours and I was never able to recover my time afterwards."

"I know, Jim, and I think it wise on your part not wanting to let him know you were coming then. He would've understood, but I'm afraid his disappointment could have been interminable for all of us. As it is right now, it may have been a blessing that you were detained." Amanda said, half-smiling as she sat back in her chair, her clasped hands resting in her lap. "He's been having a difficult time since Saavik made the decision to reapply to Starfleet."

Setting the package on the glass-topped table, Kirk was unable to find a way to reply thinking when he was fifteen and more than eager to be on his own running through the stars daring anything and everything to come head on. He couldn't even begin to imagine his life beginning any other way, than wanting to run from that farm straight to the stars.

"He does remind me of you the older he becomes." She suddenly spoke again, causing Kirk to give her a questioning look. "He has a surprising stubborn streak, especially when it comes to those close to him."

A corner of Kirk's mouth twitched into a slight tiny smile knowing well what she was referring to and listened in hardly contained pride when Amanda recounted Taavi's challenge during the wedding ceremony. The boy had held a strong bond to a father he had never known, stirring a twinge of envy and regret swept through him as he thought of the lack of such a connection between himself and David while his son had been alive.

"He does sound a little like his father, and me doesn't he," murmured Kirk, lips twitching again as his fingers lightly caressed the package in front of him.

"I'd say more than a little. But once you two start to know one another you'll see the other similarities," replied Amanda, her face vaguely changed, a contemplative line appearing along her brow. "We've never told him who you are to him. He knows of you. Captain James T. Kirk, the man who has saved the universe countless times and risked everything to rescue the man that is now father. He has made sure we are all aware of that with his endless questions about you, especially to Spock. I sometimes think my son requests more time away just to have a break from having to tell one more story about the missions you two had."

They both laughed softly at the picture of the stately man they both knew, slowly coming to the end of his nearly infinite patience as he listened to the endless list of questions pouring from his adopted son. Even Spock may have found he had met his match with the young man at this stage.

Laughter dying, Amanda glanced up, peering at the darkening sky through the twisting vines of jasmine that shed a few of its small pink flowers in a gust of breeze. As the fragrant petals fell onto the table, she watched them dance across the tabletop and on the ground under the influence of another, gentler breeze. She appeared to be caught up in a several thoughts at once, as if trying to make up her mind which one to tell him.

"But you never told him that David was my son, because you were worried the same way Carol was worried about David knowing that I was his father. Because of what I appear to be and they may believe it enough to follow that path," Kirk proffered himself, unsure if he really wanted to hear the words she was putting together in her mind.

For a second, Amanda met the steady hazel gaze then softly said, "Because of what you 'are', Jim, and yes, there may have been that chance. However, not in the same fashion as with David's mother. Saavik wants Taavi to be able to choose for himself without any influences from the outside or inside of his world. She wants Taavi to be free to understand himself to know what and who he is. Then look around and decide what he wants to put his life into."

Kirk soaked that in, his face unreadable, concealing the fact that he was impressed with Saavik's decision in raising her son. He added this to the list he was slowly constructing that also included the fact that she had kept David's memory alive and part of her son's life.

Re-evaluating his thoughts, Kirk blinked, then froze when he heard the quiet noise of a door being opened and then shut, followed by the sound of someone walking toward them. Across from him Amanda's smile grew several centimeters as she gave Kirk a quick wink then glanced up to meet the gaze of the figure approaching the table.

"Taavikam, it's good to see that you have decided to come out at last. Someone has come to see you tonight and I think you would've been more than slightly upset if you would have chosen to remain in your room, once you know who it is," she said, rising from her chair and giving Kirk one more bolstering look.

Also rising to his feet, Kirk swallowed hard as his mind went blank for a handful of seconds when he meet the steady stare of the future.

Blonde hair. A thick head of blonde hair that was allowed to grow in unruly waves and curls around the teenager's face, covering the ears that would've been the only visible clue to his the other half of his background. Kirk was stunned by the mop of hair that was like that of his father's, as well as the fact that it had been permitted to grow to a length of just a half an inch above his shoulders. He could imagine the opinion of both Spock and Sarek on that matter as he let his smile emerge completely and offered his hand toward the young man.

"Captain Kirk." The words were barely audible as Taavi instantly recognized the man in front of him.

Watching the young face as it displayed his shock, Kirk noted the faint redness lingering in the widening eyes hinting at what Amanda had said earlier about difficult times. He apparently wasn't afraid of displaying his emotions within a household that lived on logic and impassiveness like humans lived on their feelings and flagrantly enjoying them. He had a lot of mettle within him to go along with that stubbornness, Kirk thought as the left corner of his smile tugged farther back along his face.

Moving closer to Taavi, Amanda gently laid a hand on his shoulder, glanced at the Captain, then gazed affectionately back at the still awed face of Taavi. "Your grandfather, Taavikam."

Giving Amanda a stunned look, Taavi's eyes studied her face as if he was trying to find some sign that possibly he had misunderstood what she had said. Finding none it was his turn to swallow hard, as he slowly looked back at the man that had been an undaunted myth to him all his life. His hand, visibly trembling ever so slightly, rose and gripped the hand proffered to him by 'his' grandfather, giving it a tight heartfelt squeeze, the smile on his face softening from veneration to genuine respect.

"If you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I think the two of you need sometime to yourselves." Gracing both Kirk and Taavi with a warm maternal smile, Amanda gave the teenager's shoulder a gentle squeeze then started back toward the house.

Gritting his teeth behind the smile, Kirk finally let go of the impressive grip of the fifteen-year-old who had inherited his mother's Romulan/Vulcan strength and apparently had forgotten the fact in his exuberance. Once the young man realized what he had done and released his own grip, Kirk flexed his fingers slightly and was unable to keep from grinning at the now worried Taavi.

"I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't thinking. . ." he instantly apologized, running his hands down the front of his shirt before hiding it behind his back. "I'm just . . . I just can't believe it. I'm honored, sir."

"Please, no sir's," murmured Kirk, feeling the circulation returning to his fingers. "Those are for Starfleet and my antiquarian position within it."

Unsure of what to make of that, Taavi pursed his lips nervously then glanced back toward the house before looking back at the Captain and met the somewhat rueful hazel gaze.

"I tried to be here for your birthday, but Starfleet had other ideas," Kirk said, retrieving the package from the table, suddenly remembering that he had brought it along. "They have a habit of doing that when you plan ahead."

Handing Taavi the package, Kirk stared at it with a deep fondness as the long slender fingers slowly began to meticulously pull away the paper. Slipping the paper out from under it, the teenagers eyes widen at the leather bound book he held in his still slightly shaking hands.

"It was given to me on my birthday by a man who is as close as brother to me, at a time that my life was changing and I wasn't sure if I had anything left within me to change with it. It has meant a great deal to me since that time." As Kirk spoke several images from the last fifteen years flashed through his mind, while his gaze remained on the volume that Taavi held with an equal amount of regard. "I wasn't given the chance to give it to your…my son. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity to give it his son. My grandson."

Looking up, Taavi's gaze was half filled with tears as he managed a smile for his grandfather before opening the book to its first pages. "'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…' Sentiments that seem to fit the day for me."

Reaching out, Kirk placed a hand on the young man's muscular shoulder and gave Taavi an understanding look. "It'll take time, but it will get better, believe it or not. Sometimes understanding why others make the decisions they do is harder than dealing with our own choices."

Considering that for a few seconds, Taavi closed the book as if it was made of glass, then gave Kirk an inquisitive gaze. "The stars, did they call to you? Is that why you joined Starfleet?"

An eyebrow rose at the two questions posed as Kirk studied Taavi's face thoughtfully. "Yes. Yes, they did, Taavi. A very long time ago."

"Then it would seem that in time they'll call me too," sighed Taavi, the expression on his face suggesting that he wasn't certain if he approved of the notion or not.

"Not necessarily," replied Kirk, after glancing toward the stars that were beginning to come to life overhead, then looking Taavi straight in the eye as he spoke again. "You need to listen to your own calling, not anyone else's. Your mother has brought you up to be able to make your own choices. Don't go against that now because of what I or your mother or anyone decided to listen to when the call came. It'll come whatever it is, when both you and it are ready. Understood?"

The smile reappeared with more brilliance than before as Taavi tilted his head to give the Captain another gaze of admiration. "Yes, sir. Er…Captain. Grandfather."

Also grinning, Kirk gave the shoulder a squeeze before letting his hand drop to his side. "We'll work on it, son."

With that the pair walked through the gardens talking of nothing and everything that either one of them could think of until Amanda called them in for dinner. At eleven o'clock Amanda finally concluded that Taavi needed to get to bed since he did have classes the next morning and Kirk was having to leave early the next morning for another assignment.

Before leaving the house, Kirk made a point of speaking once more to Taavi alone, telling him as soon as he was through with the string of assignments he was on now, he would return for a longer visit. The young man again grinned, and asked if it was possible for him to write which Kirk hesitated at first to respond but then readily agreed knowing that he couldn't afford to destroy what could be his last chance at something more in life.

Now, as he glanced over at the travel chrono again, that now read 3:06 a.m., he was already working on plans in his mind for his return trip to Vulcan. As he did, he forced himself to stretch out on the bed, folded his hand behind his head then gazed at the ceiling feeling strangely more awake and alive than he had in over a year, perhaps more.

Closing his eyes, he ordered himself to push his plans to the back of his mind and at least try and get some sleep before it was time to leave. In the morning he was going to have to continue his assignment and take on the next ship ready for a working inspection. After all he had forced a couple hour delay of its departure because of his personal visit, but then this would be a test of the crew's patience when dealing with even the smallest unexpected detainment. Especially one that also ended a crew's shore leave and forced them into an unanticipated assignment no matter how short it was. His tardiness or appearance aboard their ship may not please the crew of the 'Alleya', but then after all he was Captain James T. Kirk.


	15. Chapter 14: Arrival

Saavik materialized on the transporter pad of the USS Alleya. She took a deep breath of the ship's air. It was cold, and the high moisture content caused it to stick in her throat. She made a mental note to regulate her breathing to an appropriate rate.  
The transporter room was empty save for a sleepy young ensign at the controls. Checking the ship's computer, she discovered it was ship's night, and most of the crew was on shore leave anyway. Essentially alone on the ship, Saavik decided to spend a few hours inspecting the ship from top to bottom. She found her way to the turbolift and took it to the lowest level.  
  
Fourteen hours later, Saavik stood once more in the turbolift, this time on her way to the bridge. She had nearly completed her visual inspection of all the ships stations, and her appearance reflected it. Her hands, face, and uniform were streaked with grease and dirt from engineering and the less-traveled portions of the ship. Her hair had somehow come undone, and she had not bothered to fix it, so it was tangled and greasy. The lift stopped at the bridge, her last stop on her unofficial inspection tour. She stepped onto the bridge. . .  
. . . and ran into another officer, one wearing a dress uniform. She stepped back, startled, and stammered, "I'm sorry, sir - " She trailed off as she realized who it was. "Captain Kirk!" she exclaimed softly. "I didn't expect to see you here, sir!" She stopped again, noticing how he just stared at her, his expression unreadable.  
The faint traces of a smile that was barely amiable appeared on the Captain's face as he took a half step back from the minor collision, allowing Saavik to step on to the bridge. Behind him stood the 'Alleya's' commander, Captain Halstron, looking at his new Junior Science Officer with a stern gaze.  
"Lieutenant, it's good to see you again," greeted Kirk, clasping his hand behind his back while keeping his indecipherable gaze fixed on the woman's face. "I had recently heard that you had reapplied for Starfleet. You've been assigned to fine a ship."  
"Thank you, sir," she answered while taking an attentive stance just within the bridge, well aware of the both Halstron's stare and the few quizzical looks from the crew that dare to peek back at the turbolift.  
"Captain Kirk is with us for only a short period, Lieutenant. We're transporting him to Starbase 38 to rendezvous with the 'U.S.S. Eagle'. We should arrive within the next six hours. In that time I would like to see you changed into a clean uniform and reported to your station. At fifteen hundred hours, report to my ready room." Halstron's tone wasn't as severe as his gaze, and he doubted either had made an impression when he realized the Captain and Lieutenant were still staring at one another with unreadable looks. "We'll discuss your duties and schedules then."  
Saavik's gaze barely shifted over to Halstron's face, an eyebrow twitching as a lock of hair fell a little farther across her eyes. "Aye, Captain."  
Still unsure of what to make of the unusual encounter going on between the Captain and Lieutenant, Halstron activated the lift doors again. He had met Kirk before during other tours onboard his own ship as well as crewmember aboard other ships, and always considered him a highly affable man. One who knew the significance of each and ever crew member aboard a starship as well as knowing the importance of expressing as a Commander the appreciation of what his crew did for him. That was a part of the reason the entire Federation galaxy looked upon him with such respect and his own crew had willing placed themselves in the line of fire literally and bodily for him. Saavik had at one point been a temporary part of that crew and had demonstrated the same willingness during her brief stint with the 'Enterprise', so this tense moment struck him as odd on both sides. However, he knew well enough not to question Kirk on the matter. If there was something he needed to know in reference to the Lieutenant, he was sure that Kirk would let him know in his own time.  
Hearing the lift doors open, Kirk remained frozen to the spot, still studying the tousled woman in front of him. "While on Vulcan I had time to visit Lady Amanda at her home. She introduced me to her grandson."  
The corners of Saavik's eyes widened only a fraction, yet it was enough that those who had spent a great deal of time around Vulcans would notice, as Kirk had before entering into the lift after Halstron.  
The second Saavik had shown her surprise at his presence aboard the 'Alleya', he knew his presence at Sarek's home would be the equivalent of knocking a human over with a feather. She may have expected him to find out about Taavi eventually, but didn't expect him to take the path he had to see the young man. Admittedly, he knew it was cruel just to drop the news on her like that after just having to leave the boy and now the small bit of humiliation on the bridge of a ship she had been assigned to. Then again, he had nearly entire soul full of anguish that he had been carrying with him since Genesis. He had learned to forgive and overlook in his years, but a small sliver within him would always remain embittered to the end and this moment was his way of letting Saavik know.  
Standing at the front of the lift, Kirk let the corners of his lips tug upward into a more amiable smile as Saavik tilted her head enough to stare at the Captain. "He's an extraordinary young man. Has a great deal of affection and regard for you. As well as a strong pride of his father, I'm grateful to know. He reminds me considerably of my son, Lieutenant."  
"Thank you, sir," came the quiet words from Saavik, struggling with the emotions that were working through her.  
Just before the lift doors closed, Kirk's face softened as an auspicious light appeared in his hazel gaze. "I hope to have the chance to meet the young man again, Lieutenant."  
Saavik almost smiled as she inclined her head at Kirk, the lift doors closing before she completed her gesture. Turning to survey the rest of the bridge, she caught the other officers hastily turning back to their own stations and trying to look busy. She sighed inwardly. Turning back to the lift, she called for another car, determined to locate her quarters and clean up.  
  
Saavik waited patiently on the bridge, just outside the captain's ready room, at exactly 1500. She had cleaned up and changed, her appearance now regulation-perfect. She waited another five minutes before the captain called, "Come." She stepped through the door, letting it close behind her, and came to attention.  
"Lieutenant Saavik reporting as ordered, sir," she announced.  
"Would you care to explain why you arrived on the bridge earlier today looking the way you did?" Halstron asked, his tone sharp, his gaze annoyed.  
"I was touring the ship. Sir," Saavik explained. Halstron's eyes narrowed at her explanation which explained nothing. Saavik stared back at him steadily, not intimidated in the least.  
"Normally a tour of the ship does not result in such an uncivilized appearance," Halstron said, his tone dangerous. "Elaborate."  
Saavik stared at her new captain, hesitating to say more. Her eyes lost their focus as she remembered similar encounters with various authorities. "Permission to speak freely, sir?" Halstron nodded, and she continued. "I do not wish to 'elaborate', Captain. It is a personal matter and therefore none of your business." She paused, wondering how far she could push him.  
"I don't want a full confession, Lieutenant; I just want to know how a tour of the ship can explain your appearance earlier this afternoon."  
"A complete inspection tour implies an inspection of every millimeter of the ship, sir. Inspecting the ship is a messy business."  
Halstron stared hard at his newest crewmember. "It's not your job to inspect the ship, Lieutenant." He switched from interrogation mode to discipline mode. "It was your duty to report to either your department head or myself upon your arrival. Explain why you didn't."  
Saavik stared at her captain, her expression as unreadable as ever. "I have not served on a starship for fifteen years, Captain. I was unaware that protocol had changed."  
"Lieutenant, reporting to your commanding officer has been standard procedure for centuries."  
Saavik took a deep breath, trying hard not to become angry. "Fifteen years ago, it was considered impolite and improper to wake a commanding officer or interrupt his shore leave simply to report for duty. I did not realize you preferred to be interrupted upon the arrival of insignificant junior officers." She fixed Halstron with an icy stare. "Next time I shall wake you at oh-three-hundred hours when I arrive. Now if you will excuse me, I have things to attend to." Without waiting for a proper dismissal, she turned and left. Halstron stared after her, still angry. After a moment, he started laughing softly, shaking his head. He was going to have to watch that one. She definitely didn't belong in a science lab. She belonged on the bridge of a starship. 


	16. Chapter 15: Kirk's Last Meeting

A small worker shuttle sped by just under the viewing window as Kirk stood gazing out at McKinley Station where the 'Enterprise-B' rested in its moorings. The shipbuilding crews were finishing last minute tasks before the ship's christening within the next twenty-four hours.  
  
He had been coming here every few days to watch the last of the needed bits of construction since his return to earth after his last round of observation tours. It was his cementing the fact that an era had truly ended and that his 'Enterprise' was now and forever, like him, a part of history. This new ship would be the first 'Enterprise' without his shadow touching it in over thirty years.  
  
True, he would be presiding over the christening and her first trip out. Yet, he knew as did most of the universe, that it nothing more than Starfleet's attempt to gleam one more incandescent moment on the tattered shirttails of a man who was one of its greatest officers.  
  
It was a sickening thought in his mind to realize what could possibly lay ahead for the officers today in the future with the way Starfleet was reacting to its own station in the universe. He had never considered propaganda as part of the Starfleet arsenal when he had been a true active member, but now after being at first unsuspecting component of it for the last few years, he was beginning to rethink more than just his own place in the universe.  
  
At those thoughts, his mind turned to Taavi and then to Saavik, concerned at what lay for both of them in the future. It wouldn't take long for some sly, placating young officer to uncover that there was a grandson of Starfleet's favorite Captain, even if he had taken pains to have the file subtly buried upon his return to Command. Even if he hadn't been a part of their lives in flesh and blood or soul and thought for the most part, he would still have a profound effect on their lives in the end.  
  
A pang of guilt struck him, hard and cold, at that reality when a familiar tall, distinguished figure silently slipped up beside him and also gazed out the viewing window. For several seconds, he refrained from acknowledging the man next to him, not surprised at his appearance, but uncertain of what he felt at that very moment about everything around him.  
  
"'She' and her crew will be an excellent addition to the Fleet. I have some doubts as to whether they will be able to attain the same distinction as their predecessor," spoke the low voice, the dark gaze remaining on the hull of the ship for another second before moving to meet the deep speculating hazel stare.  
  
"I'm beginning to wonder if that distinction is a blessing or a bane, Spock," murmured Kirk, glancing back out at the awaiting ship.  
  
An eyebrow followed a familiar path along the Vulcan's brow at the remark, his gaze gaining a shadow of worry at his friend's quiet comment. Prepared to inquire on the words, Spock was stopped when Kirk spoke again, his tone changing to a more genial tone.  
  
"I thought you would be heading back to Vulcan after finishing your business with your father and the Federation council."  
  
Kirk knew that Spock had been on Earth upon his return a few days earlier, but the two hadn't had a chance to meet during the time. Another sign of what had happened to their lives after they had stepped down from active duty. There was rarely a moment to spare between them to spend at least a day together in respite or duty. This Kirk had been reminded of when he returned to his apartment after checking in at Command and discovered a message from McCoy sent days before. He sent regrets on not joining him on the 'Enterprise-B' for her christening, and had instead gone to Vulcan for his granddaughter's graduation from the Academy. Funny how everyone seem to be heading for Vulcan since he had left it only a few short weeks ago. Perhaps it was an omen, though he doubted it.  
  
"I am departing in less than an hour aboard the 'U.S.S. Merrimac' (inconsistent with later in the chapter) with my aides for Vulcan. I had received word after my arrival on the base of your presence and wish to take the opportunity to speak with you before my departure," replied Spock, head tilting a few degrees in thought. "I understand you have recently returned from a few days on Vulcan."  
  
Moving his own head to look at his friend out of the corner of his eye, Kirk's mouth twitched. "Your mother had mentioned she was expecting you to be contacting her."  
  
He had made good on his word to Taavi during his first visit and had returned to Vulcan after the last of his assigned tours for three days before leaving for earth. The seventy-two hours had gone by faster than any he could remember, and the two had created a bond of a friendship that they both seem to be lacking at this stage of their lives. On the morning of his departure, Kirk had talked alone with Amanda about the idea of the teenager being allowed to visit him on Earth once his classes were done for the year. She had seen nothing wrong with the request, but made a point of telling him that it would be up to Saavik and Spock to give permission in the end. However, she would mention the idea to Spock when he contacted her before he left his father and Earth, which she apparently had done.  
  
"She requests such transmissions whenever my father, Saavik, or myself are in preparation of returning home. It is a maternal response and is a strongly human one, although I have noted it in other species. There are times I have found that it does have a logical motive," Spock said, the vague expression in his brown eyes giving the impression that he was remembering something from his own past that affirmed that theory.  
  
"Mothers of all times, places, and species have a way of being more perceptive than we've given them credit for," said Kirk with a sigh, as he suddenly planted a shoulder against the pane of the viewing window and fixed his introspective stare on the Vulcan. "You know, Spock, before I had a chance to speak with Amanda and meet Taavi, then take the time to think about all of it, I had a long list of things I planned on saying to you. Most of them, I'll admit, were not that favorable; in fact probably all of them. Toward you and Saavik, as well as everyone else in your family. I was in that state of mind that I could've turned that easily on my best friend. Jealousy, anger and self-pity clouded my thinking. You had the one thing I wanted at this point of my life. A family of your own to go back to, that would be waiting for you. Then I found out about Taavi and I instantly felt the same pain that Carol had struck me with. When I spoke with your mother and she explained the reasoning of Saavik's decision I began to see it more clearly. And lately, as I think about my position in Starfleet, as well as how I'm perceived, good and bad, throughout the universe, it was probably best twofold that no one knew. I find that I still have to learn my lessons the hard way."  
  
Both eyebrows had risen as Spock listened to his friend basically free himself of his emotional burden. It wasn't the first time he had been witness to the Captain's confessions. This, however, had a different feel to it than the others. It was if something cumbrous had truly been lifted off the man's shoulders and heart, as a light that had been slowly dimming was starting to burn again within him.  
  
"We never stop learning, Jim. About others and most importantly ourselves," Spock said gently, sensing that his friend had vanquished several of the ghosts that had been plaguing him the last few years. "There is a need in us all to have a reason to continue. Learning is part of that process. To awake each morning to continue gaining knowledge about each other and oneself. There are times, though, that what is closer to us and not on the other side of the universe that is what we need to gain the most from."  
  
A shift of emotions swept over Kirk, allowing the faint touch of benevolence to appear along the lines of his face. "I wish you would've explained all of that to me years ago, Spock. The last years may have been a little easier to get through."  
  
"Perhaps, because I have also had to learn similar lessons in recent years is what kept me from pointing it out beforehand," suggested Spock, his head tilting in the opposite direction as one eyebrow lowered and the other rose another degree in his memorable persuasive manner.  
  
The smile spread over Kirk's face at his friend's admittance of a flawed persona. "Possible, Spock. But I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't do it intentionally for my own good either."  
  
The tall Vulcan nodded slightly at the notion, his eyes moving off toward the ship moored just outside before he spoke again. "I will contact Saavik when I have returned to Vulcan to discuss the request you have made concerning Taavi. I have little doubt she will agree in allowing Taavi to spend some time with you here on Earth. You are, after all, his grandfather, and from what my mother has said, the young man has already constructed several persuasive arguments for his mother as to why he should be allowed to spend his time away from the Academy with you."  
  
"Sounds a little familiar," mused Kirk, also looking back out at the 'Enterprise-B'. "I'd say both you and Saavik are still going to have your hands filled with that one before he's completely out on his own."  
  
"Yes, that would seem to be true. Although now you will be sharing in a small part of that responsibility," Spock pointed out, his gaze briefly meeting Kirk's again before moving to the wall chrono above the door panel.  
  
"I'll take that as a vote of confidence, Spock." Kirk nearly chuckled as he pushed away from the wall, well aware that their meeting was nearing its end.  
  
"I must leave if I wish to make it aboard the 'Eagle' (inconsistent with earlier ship) and brief my aides concerning my last discussion with my father," announced Spock, his tone tinged with regret. "I wish I could accompany you aboard the 'Enterprise-B' on her christening trip. I have my other duties to attend to now."  
  
"I know, Spock." Kirk laid a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder. "You keep learning your way and I'll keep learning my own way."  
  
The two exchanged a long empathetic look that contained more than very few other would ever begin to grasp given the same amount of years these two men had been friends. Brothers.  
  
"Saavik also sends a message for you," Spock abruptly added, breaking the quiet moment.  
  
Kirk blinked at the words, a little surprised that Saavik would want to say anything Spock would dare repeat to his face. "Really? Do I dare ask what?"  
  
"She wishes to thank you for what you have done, for both her and Taavi, with your visit," replied Spock. "And that you are well."  
  
A wave of warmth spread over Kirk as his smile wavered under the emotions he felt welling up within him. "Tell Saavik that I thank her and Taavi. And that I am 'doing well'."  
  
With a satisfactory nod, Spock straightened and brought his hand up in the well-known and highly honored salute. "Live long and prosper, Jim."  
  
With a small twinge of pain, Kirk managed to return the salute. "Live long and prosper, Spock."  
  
Remaining still, Kirk gazed after Spock for several moments before glancing at the wall opposite of him, an actual delightful smile growing on his face. Feeling more at peace with himself, his eyes once more looked at the gleaming white hull of the ship looming outside the base.  
  
He did indeed have something now to make him want to go on with his life, and soon he would be getting that chance. Plans were already forming in his head for what the two of them could tackle when Taavi arrived. He would begin making more solid arrangements later, once he returned from the christening trip aboard the 'Enterprise-B'. 


	17. Chapter 16: Loss

Taavi thanked the Healer and closed the line. Outwardly, he was calm, but inside, he was excited. The Healers had just approved his plans for Mother's Day, an old Terran holiday coming up next week. He had a dance recital early in the afternoon, including one of Amanda's favorite pieces he had choreographed himself, and he had arranged for Spock to see it with her. In the morning Taavi was planning on taking Amanda out to her garden and working there while she supervised him. The evening was going to be story time, always a good way to stay up past his bedtime. Not that he had a bedtime anymore, now that he was officially an adult. But it was fun to go back to some old childhood habits.  
Taavi opened another comchannel, not surprised when he got an automated response asking him to leave a message. "The Healers have approved my plans, Spock. When should I expect you home?" Taavi asked, staring straight at the camera. "If you speak to Mother, ask her if she will reconsider coming home. Thank you. Be well." He closed the line just as the chime rang, calling him to dinner. "I'm coming, Amanda!" he called, shutting down his console and closing his bedroom door. {{I may be an adult,}} he thought to himself, {{but as long as I'm still living here, I'll be treated like a child.}} He smiled to himself, not really resenting that fact. His grandfather still considered him a child, and Amanda just liked to have somebody to mother.  
  
Spock returned to his rather cramped quarters aboard the USS Firebird to find several messages from his family waiting for him. The first was from Taavi, dated four days ago, asking when he'd be home. The second was from Saavik, wondering if he could arrange to visit her next time the Alleya was scheduled for shore leave. The third was an uncharacteristically short letter from Amanda, asking him to come home. The fourth, dated only hours ago, was from Sarek. Suddenly nervous, he played the message.  
Sarek's familiar face filled the screen. "Amanda is dying, Spock. Your presence is required at home immediately." His voice was strained. "Come home, my son. Your mother needs you." He looked around nervously, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I need you. Come home, Spock." The screen went blank.  
Spock stared at the screen for a long moment. His mother, dying? Intellectually he understood and acknowledged the fact, but emotionally he could not accept it. Trying to imagine life without Amanda was like trying to imagine life without Saavik. Or Jim. He could not. Slowly he reached out and carefully dialed a comcode.  
  
"Bridge to Commander Saavik." The summons came at an inconvenient time. Saavik finished her analysis and spoke to the intercom.  
"Saavik here."  
"You have an incoming personal call. Should I rout it to your quarters?"  
"Yes please, Lieutenant. Thank you." She excused herself from the science lab and made her way to her cabin.  
  
Spock's image looked out from her screen at her. "Are you certain, Spock?"  
"Yes, Saavikam. I need you to return home at once." His tone softened as he pleaded with her. "If not for me, then come home for Taavi. Your son will need you."  
"As you wish, husband."  
"Thank you, Saavikam. How soon can you leave?"  
"As soon as I get clearance to take one of the shuttles. I will see you soon, ashalik."  
"Soon, ashaya." The transmission ended.  
  
Taavi met Saavik at the front gate. She took one look at him, with his tearstained face and red, swollen eyes, and hugged him tight. {{I love you, Taavi.}} He held on like he would never let her go.  
{{I missed you, Mother.}} They stayed that way a moment longer, then Taavi released her and led her into the house. {{He lets no one in, not even the Healers,}} Taavi commented. {{He sits by her side weeping, and forbids anyone to disturb him. He tells us she spends most of her time sleeping, but that is not true.}}  
"I will speak with him, Taavikam. Has Spock returned?" Saavik's voice was calm and steady as she put a comforting arm around her son's shoulders.  
Taavi leaned into his mother's embrace, grateful for her presence during this difficult time. "He has, Mother, but has asked to be left alone until and unless he is permitted to see Amanda." Taavi was hoarse from crying, and from shouting through closed doors. In this time of crisis, when the family needed to come together, everyone seemed to pull away.  
Saavik led the way to her room, where Spock waited. She stood in the doorway, peering into the gloom, her sharp hunter's eyes easily picking out Spock's lean, still form. "Come, Spock, let us go see Amanda."  
{{Go if you must. He will not let you.}} His mental voice was strained, barely controlled. {{Leave me alone.}}  
"I will not leave you alone. You will come, and we will visit Amanda."  
{{Go away. He will not let you. Leave me in peace.}}  
"I will not leave, Spock. Not without you. Must I drag you with me?" She sent an image of her dragging him by his heels through the house. "You know I will."  
Spock rose stiffly to his feet. {{This is pointless and illogical. He will not let us see her.}} Despite his pessimistic statement, he followed his wife to his parents' bedroom.  
  
Sarek did not look up when the door opened, nor did he acknowledge his family as they entered. He simply sat by his wife's bedside, holding her hand, concentrating on her faint, sleeping mind. He only spoke when Saavik reached his side.  
"Go away." His tone was curt, his voice dull. "Let me say goodbye in peace."  
"I will not leave, Sarek. I wish to say goodbye to Amanda."  
Sarek glanced up at Saavik. "You have no reason to say goodbye. I am her bondmate. I must say goodbye."  
"At least you have a chance to say goodbye!" Saavik said hotly. "Be grateful for that, and let the rest of us have our turn."  
Sarek looked up, startled, at Saavik's sharp words, his eyes focusing on her as if seeing her for the first time. Her expression was fierce, but her eyes were sympathetic, knowing. "I will not leave her," he said softly.  
"No one suggested you should," Spock said gently, putting a warning hand on his wife's arm. "We only wish to say goodbye."  
Sarek looked at his son and his family. Spock was rigidly in control, trying to hide his feelings. Saavik was glaring at him, but her eyes betrayed her. Taavi looked completely lost and had obviously been crying. Sarek took a deep breath, preparing to speak, but Amanda spoke first.  
"Sarek?" she whispered, the action clearly painful. "Where are my children?"  
Immediately, all three took up positions at her side, making sure to touch her. Taavi held her hand. "We are here, Amanda," Saavik said gently. Amanda did not speak, but they all felt her love.  
None of them moved for a long time. Taavi sat on the edge of the bed, holding Amanda's hand. Sarek sat on her other side, holding her other hand, communicating with her across their bond. Spock and Saavik stood on either side of the bed, fingers touching as they rested on Amanda's forehead. Love and a sense of impending loss pulsed between them all.  
  
Amanda knew each member of her family was with her. She had known they would come. She knew, as Sarek did not, that love was stronger than anything. She had called them with love, and they had come, as she had known they would. They had come to say goodbye, because she was dying. She did not want to die. But her body was shutting down, rebelling against the stresses she placed on it by living on a planet so different from that of her birth. Death was coming for her, and she would go. But first, she would say goodbye to her family, the family she loved, who came when she called.  
She spoke first to Spock, her son, the only child born of her body. {{Spock, my son. Be kind to your father. He loves you, though he will not show it. He has always been proud of you, even when you failed. He would never tell you, afraid you would not try as hard next time. Remember that, my son. And remember that I love you.}}  
Taavi, her grandson, her second son, was next. {{Do not let your grief consume you, Taavikam. That would be illogical. Your mother tried that, little one, and it drove her insane. We spent many years working to bring her back. She lives for you, Taavi. Be kind to her. Remember me. As long as you remember me, I will be with you always, little one. Remember.}}  
Saavik, her tortured, pain-filled daughter. {{Let go of your grief, Saavikam. I know your pain is great, but you have family who love you. The time for grief is ended, daughter. Now is the time for living, and loving. Daughter of my heart . . .}}  
Her thought faded, incomplete, as her already weak life-force faded further, her mind drawn to her bondmate. {{Sarek, my love, my beloved, do not leave me, and I will never leave you. Hold me, ashalik, and do not let go. I love you, Sarek.}} Her thoughts faded as her body failed completely.  
The last thought she heard was Sarek's, even as her mind faded into death. {{Ashau nash-veh du, Amanda, ashaya t'nash-veh, ashalik.}} 


	18. Chapter 17: Love

Saavik woke suddenly from her dream. She had not dreamed since – since her wedding night. She smiled at the memory, then closed her eyes as she remembered the dream, and what happened after. She allowed the tears to fall, remembering what Spock had told her: "It is acceptable to grieve, Saavikam, to grieve and to cry. Love is powerful, T'Shalik. Remember that. And remember to live. Live, because I love you."

She smiled again, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. She had never realized how many people loved her. T'Pren, the Quiet One who gave her the stars. Spock, her ever-patient teacher, who taught her what it meant to be civilized. Nyota Uhura, chief communications officer of the Enterprise, so kind and loving it was impossible to dislike her. Pavel Chekov, childlike navigator and weapons officer of the Enterprise, another of Spock's students. David, her t'hy'la, who wanted only for her to be happy, and who gave his life so that she might have that chance. Amanda, patient and gentle, just like her son. Sarek, warm and caring beneath his Vulcan mask. Taavi, her devoted son, the light of her life. Spock, reborn, her ashalik, her mate. She loved them all, as they loved her.

Spock sat cross-legged in the middle of his cabin, his eyes closed, trying to clear his mind. Thoughts of Saavik cluttered his mind, thoughts of her long thick black curls, of her lips on his, of her body under his hands. He abandoned his attempt at meditation as useless, though he didn't move. He breathed deeply, the smell of the incense reminding him of his beloved. He lost himself in thoughts of her, eventually falling asleep curled on the bedroom floor.

Cool human hands woke him, and Spock stared uncomprehending into the eyes of a very young Starfleet doctor. She drew back, meeting his gaze, and he blinked. She offered him some water. He drank gratefully.

"Are you all right, sir?" she asked. Spock nodded, still disoriented. Her voice was high and musical, unlike Saavik's deeper, husky voice. "I'm confining you to quarters, sir." He nodded again. "I need to contact your wife. Can you tell me where to find her?"

He shook his head. "She is coming," he whispered. The young doctor shook her head.

"I need to find her. Standard procedure now, sir."

"She is coming, doctor." He tried to get up, and she held him down. "When she comes, send her here." The girl nodded, and he lay back. She fussed over him a moment longer, then left him alone.

Someone had moved him from the floor to his bed. His meditation equipment was still on the floor, the candles burned out. Needing something to do, he got up and put everything away. He returned to his bed and drifted into dreams of Saavik.

It was dark in his quarters next time Spock woke. The environmental controls were set halfway between Vulcan and Terran norm. Someone was in the room, and Spock strained to see his visitor. A cool hand brushed his hair back, traced the outline of his face. Spock tried to catch the hand, but his visitor was too fast, and his hand closed on air.

Some time later, after hours of silence, the fever set in, and Spock began to cry out, calling for Saavik. Instantly his visitor was beside him, undressing him. He, for the visitor was male, kissed Spock's forehead and gently began to caress Spock's body. Spock moaned, his mind reaching for his mate.

Saavik was far away, but her mind was close, as if she had never left. In his mind they were together, yet his body knew it was not she who held him and eased the burning of desire. His unnamed visitor soothed his body, his hands gentle and knowing, experienced as only a lover's could be. Mostly he just held Spock, his hands never still, obeying some instinct neither of them understood. Once, Spock asked why, but the visitor never spoke, responding instead with a gentle kiss. Had Spock not been sick, he would have recognized his visitor instantly. With the Fires tearing at his sanity, it was a struggle to remember his mate's name, much less its significance.

A long but indeterminate period of time later, Spock woke curled up on his bed, utterly alone. A high-pitched whine filled the room, and inarticulate rage filled him. He scrambled off the bed and tensed, ready to pounce, looking for the source of the sound. He watched, fascinated, as Saavik materialized, facing him. The transporter effect had barely disappeared when he jumped her, knocking her to the floor, hands tearing at her meager clothes. He crushed her to the floor, took what he needed, trying to force their bodies into the same space. His mind exploded into hers and they both blacked out.

It was two days later before either of them had anything resembling a sentient thought. Their bodies exhausted and their minds emerging from the primitive animals they had become, they were content to simply lie together on the floor, sharing thoughts, existing together. Spock tried to recall the time before Saavik's arrival, wanting to determine who had been with him. Saavik toyed with his ear, distracting him.

"It was Jim, ashaya," Saavik whispered, pinching the sensitive tip of his ear. He nuzzled her neck, not paying attention to her words. She pushed him gently away. "Your visitor. He was the captain."

Spock slid his hands up her body, ending with his fingers twined in her hair. "That is impossible, T'Shalik." He kissed her ear. "He is dead."

Saavik caught his hands, holding him away from her. "So is David. Is death really the impenetrable barrier many cultures believe it to be?" She let him go and sat up carefully. "Who else would know you well enough to do as your visitor did? I can think of three people, including Jim."

Spock sat up as well, pulling Saavik onto his lap and wrapping his arms around her. She leaned her head on his shoulder, grateful for his warmth at her back. "Doctor McCoy would not have done it. And we both know you were not with me. Jim is dead, ashalik. It is not possible for him to have been with me."

"It is not unheard of for a bond to remain intact through the death of one partner," Saavik murmured, taking Spock's hands and squeezing them. "The bond of t'hy'la is just as strong as that of bondmates, if not stronger. Why would Kirk let you suffer when he could help you, ease your pain? A true t'hy'la will take your pain as his own if he can." She turned her head and kissed Spock's jaw. He turned and met her lips with his, kissing her passionately.

When they were once more ready to talk, Saavik continued where she had left off. "Kirk helped you, ashalik, as David helped me."

Spock stroked her hand. "David is dead, ashaya, and no amount of wishing can bring him back."

"He is dead, yes, but he is not gone. Sometimes, when I am alone, he will hold me, be with me. It is just his presence, the sense that he is there, but it is real. He always comes when I need him."

"Human doctors speak of something called 'phantom pain', where a severed limb seems to hurt. Perhaps you experience something similar, some psychic echoes from your severed bond which makes it seem as if David is with you."

"No, Spock. Taavi can sense him, too. Never when I do, but independently. As if David is watching over us. Perhaps the humans are correct in their belief in an afterlife where the dead can watch and protect the living."

Spock considered this. "Perhaps you are correct, T'Shalik. I shall have to meditate further on that subject. But right now, there is another subject I wish to explore." Neither of them spoke for a long time.


	19. Chapter 18: Twins

Sleep was impossible. Saavik sat on her bed, wrapped in her blanket, trying to clear her mind for sleep. But sleep would not come. She fidgeted a while longer, then abandoned her cabin for the relative freedom of the corridors. Restless, she wandered into the observation lounge and leaned her head against the window. I wish you were here, Spock.

I wish you could sleep, ashaya. Then perhaps I could rest. Saavik laughed at her husband's comment.

Am I keeping you awake?

No, not at all. I'm just worried about you.

Vulcans do not worry.

I am only half Vulcan. Saavik smiled. They had had variations of this conversation hundreds of times, yet they never seemed to tire of it.

I love you, Spock.

I love you too, T'Shalik.

They were silent for a time, enjoying the closeness of their bond even across the lightyears that separated them. Saavik finally broke the silence. I cannot sleep, Spock, and it is so frustrating! Help me, please.

Did you try meditating?

That was the first thing I tried. I've had difficulty with that as well. I even went back to the children's exercises. None of them helped.

Is it the nightmares?

No. I want to sleep, Spock. I just can't.

They were silent again, thinking. Suddenly Spock understood, and he laughed. Saavikam, go have your physical in the morning.

Saavik was confused. I'm fine, Spock, you know that.

I know, but perhaps you should anyway. For me?

I'll do a self-exam later. When I'm not so tired.

Spock mentally shook his head. Sometimes Saavik could be so dense. Sleep well, my love.

Several weeks later, Saavik woke feeling dizzy and disoriented, as if she were experiencing everything twice. A brief but thorough investigation revealed nothing unusual. The feeling disappeared after her morning meditation, and she thought nothing more of it.

For several days, the feeling persisted intermittently, always wearing off after meditation. Until one morning it did not, remaining until well into the afternoon. By lunchtime, Saavik could no longer concentrate, intermittently unable to understand what was said or decipher the data on her console. Around midafternoon, she found herself unable to function, and the captain ordered her to report to Sickbay. She stood slowly and walked carefully and precisely to the turbolift.

An energetic young ensign in Medical blue met her just inside Sickbay, warned ahead of time by the bridge. Ignoring the fact that she was Vulcan, he took her arm and helped her onto a biobed. "My name's Eirin, Commander, and you just lie down and relax. Try and make yourself comfortable." He rambled on, obviously trying to make her at ease, and she tried not to wince every time he got too close. The intensity of his carefully controlled broadcasts was tiring, especially since she already had her shields at maximum strength. She closed her eyes and tried to shut out the increasingly incomprehensible sounds of the young man's voice.

Someone was shaking her gently, trying to wake her up. Saavik opened her eyes, staring at the identical medics standing over her. She blinked and they became one. "Say something, Commander," the boy pleaded, concern oozing from him.

"Eirin?" Saavik asked, disoriented, as the room seemed to spin. A wave of relief hit her as the ensign relaxed. "What happened?"

"I'm not sure. It seemed like you were having a nightmare. You said something about stars, and running. An old nightmare, perhaps?"

"Vulcans do not have nightmares."

"Perhaps, but you're not Vulcan, are you? At least, Vulcan isn't your first language. I think Romulan was. Or some derivative, anyway." Saavik closed her eyes against the sight of this boy who knew too much. "Now, Commander, don't go back to sleep on me. I'm not done yet." Saavik reluctantly opened her eyes. "That's better. Now, aside from your little nightmare, I can't find anything wrong with you."

"I could have told you that," Saavik murmured.

Eirin continued without missing a beat. "It could be because your blood chemistry's different, but you're pregnant, and your readings are normal for your condition. You did know you're pregnant, right?" He laughed and corrected himself before she had a chance to speak. "Of course you did, you're Vulcan. How could I forget? You probably knew long before any medical sensors could have detected it." He paused, considering. "You've been pregnant before, right? Did anything like this happen with your previous pregnancies?"

"No. I do not believe so."

"Hmm." Eirin looked puzzled, and Saavik could almost hear his thoughts. "When did you first sense your child?" His carefully projected thought explained what his words could not.

"Before he became aware. I do not remember exactly when."

"That's all right. I've got an idea, but I want to check a few more things before I fill you in. Just lie still a minute. I'll be right back." Saavik closed her eyes as he left, leaving only the memory of his presence to fill the air.

A few minutes later he was back, scanners whirring. He triple-checked his readings, then set his instruments aside. He held his hand over her abdomen, then drew back. "Um, Commander? I'd like to make one additional exam, but since you're Vulcan, and a touch-telepath . . . " He trailed off as words failed him.

Saavik winced at the intensity with which he projected his intentions. "You may proceed," she allowed, "as long as you attempt to tighten your shields. Even at this distance, your thoughts are quite powerful."

He grinned, slightly embarrassed. "Sorry 'bout that, Commander. I'll do my best." He laid his hand on her belly and sent out a tentative, carefully controlled probe. He withdrew almost immediately, removing his hand quickly. The contact lasted less than fifteen seconds.

"Just like I thought," he announced. "Congratulations, Commander. You're going to have twins." He smiled, proud to have solved the problem and been able to deliver good news.

Saavik sank back heavily onto the hospital-issue pillow, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. Twins. As glad as she was to hear the news, she wondered why she hadn't noticed it herself. It didn't really matter. Now that she knew, she could adjust her contact with the fetuses to eliminate the duality of her senses. She laid one hand on her abdomen. Twins, Spock, did you hear? We're going to have twins! Spock was too busy to answer her in words, but she understood his joy.

Eirin watched his patient carefully, his six senses alert for any distress. His black eyes, the only physical difference between himself and other humans, were fixed on the commander's face. He saw her smile as she received a thought from her bondmate, which he sensed as a surge in the telempathic energy surrounding her. The way she shielded her thoughts – and picked up on his own – spoke of many years of training, presumably on Vulcan, her home planet, rather than on Betazed, with his father's mother's people.

When her eyes remained closed and she did not say anything, Eirin became concerned. Before he had a chance to say anything, she spoke. "Do not worry, Eirin. Thank you for your assistance." He opened his mouth to say something, but she went on. "I wish to be alone now. Please leave."

He backed away from her bed. "As you wish, Commander. Just call if you need anything, and let me know when you leave." Smiling, he left, though Saavik sensed his reluctance. She closed her eyes and reached for the infantile minds of her daughters.

Spock stepped off the transporter pad and left the room, entering the main hallway of the station. He was early, so he took his time, window-shopping on his way to meet his wife for lunch. Halfway there, he spied Saavik walking with a boy in Starfleet Medical blue. The boy laughed at something she said, punching her lightly on the arm. She mock-scolded him and he laughed again, patting her shoulder. Spock watched, his eyes narrowing at the boy. How dare he treat her like that! How dare she permit it! He felt the rage build within him. Sternly he suppressed it, slamming his shields closed lest Saavik sense his jealousy. It would not do to warn her; it would only make it harder on her.

Saavik knew something was wrong when Spock entered the restaurant, even before he approached their table. He was hiding something from her, and it could not be pleasant. She sent a probing thought toward him, only to be deflected by his shields. She chose not to push, not yet, as he arrived at the table and sat beside her, across from Eirin.

"Spock, I would like to introduce you to Eirin, a friend of mine from the Alleya. Eirin, this is my bondmate Spock." She touched Spock's hand as she made the introductions, trying to soothe his anger.

Eirin smiled pleasantly, trying hard to ignore the carefully controlled waves of anger and jealousy coming from Spock. He didn't understand why the Vulcan was so hostile until he realized Spock must have seen them before they arrived at the restaurant. "Pleased to meet you, Spock," he said, at a loss for reassuring words.

Spock stared coldly at the boy sitting across from him. "Likewise," he managed to say. Silence fell, and continued for several minutes. Saavik tried to bridge the gap between husband and medic, but her efforts went unheeded. I would speak with you alone, Saavik, Spock demanded after five minutes of cold silence.

Speak, then, husband.

Not in front of him.

You are angry.

I have a right to be.

How so?

You are hiding from me. Ever since the Alleya received additional crew, you have hidden from me. Now you come to me in the company of another male. I will not have it! You wanted me, you said you would have no other, and now you go back on your word. I will not permit this, Saavik!

Saavik stared at him for a moment, then began to laugh silently. You are jealous, Spock! I have nothing to hide from you, ashaya. Most of our new crewmembers are Betazoid, and they requested that I improve my shielding so as not to distract them. Since I returned, my telepathy has been more sensitive than usual. Eirin is my doctor and my friend, Spock, nothing more.

You let him touch you.

Taavi does the same. Eirin's just a boy, Spock. He's like a son to me. He thinks of me like a big sister.

If I find you have lied to me . . .

It is impossible to lie mind to mind, Spock; you know that. And if I have lied to you, would I do this? Saavik leaned over and kissed him passionately, taking him completely by surprise.

No, I suppose not, Spock whispered breathlessly. I am sorry, T'Shaya.

I love you, Spock.

Throughout this whole brief exchange, Eirin sat and observed them. The telempathic energy pulsed between them, Spock's thoughts angry and accusatory, Saavik's affectionate. Eirin turned away when Saavik leaned over to kiss Spock. She smiled at him, after, and Spock no longer seemed angry. They seemed about to have a private moment, and Eirin made as if to leave.

Saavik twined her fingers with Spock's. "No, Eirin, don't go. What if the girls were to wake?"

"If the twins wake, you know how to deal with it. You don't need me for that."

Saavik smiled. "They are quite fond of you, Eirin." For Spock, she added, Eirin has been in contact with the children, Spock. He has been quite helpful.

Spock stroked her hand. I see. Tell me, Saavikam, do my daughters know who their father is?

Of course, ashalik. I would not allow it otherwise.

Saavik had insisted, as her pregnancy progressed, that she continue to work as she had before. She frequently took gamma shift, and she had volunteered herself for a week about six weeks before the twins were due. She sat at the helm, the most comfortable station, in a light meditative trance. Nothing ever happened during gamma shift, not out here in the middle of unexplored deep space, and she was the only person on the bridge.

She came out of her trance as a wave of pain rippled through her abdomen, and one of the twins woke, inexplicably panicked. She clamped down on the pain and sent soothing thoughts to her daughter, reassuring her that she wasn't alone. The intercom chimed.

"Eirin to Saavik. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is 'wrong', Eirin. Go back to sleep."

"Something is wrong. The girls are terrified." Saavik remained silent, too busy controlling the pain and soothing her daughter to reply. "I'm coming up, Saavik."

Ten minutes later, Eirin arrived on the bridge to find Saavik hunched over the helm console, an expression of intense concentration on her face. He knelt down beside her. "Saavik?" She looked at him and grimaced. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hypo. She glared at him. "It's just painkillers." She nodded, and he pressed the device to her arm. "Come on, I'm taking you to Sickbay."

"I cannot. No one else is currently on duty here. I will not leave the bridge unattended." She spoke only a few words at a time.

"Doctor's orders, Saavik. I'll have someone come up. I promise." He helped her stand and guided her off the bridge.

Spock felt an echo of Saavik's pain, immediately controlled but still a problem. A swift probe determined that she needed him. He was only a few hours away at maximum warp, but that was reserved for true emergencies. He resigned himself to waiting another day.

An hour later, Spock answered the shuttle's com. Eirin, the young doctor who had hovered over Saavik, appeared on the screen, looking anxious and worried. "Spock? Sir, Saavik asked me to call you, to ask you to come."

"What is happening?" Spock asked, trying and nearly succeeding in concealing his concern.

"One of the twins is –" Eirin began. He tried again. "One of them –" He couldn't continue. "Miscarriage. Spontaneous abortion." At Spock's shocked expression, he hurried on. "One of the twins survived. And Saavik's fine, or she will be. Please, just come, sir. She keeps asking for you. Please hurry."

Spock glanced at the pilot, tactfully ignoring the private conversation going on in the passenger compartment. "Tell her I will be there in three point six hours." He lowered his voice, as if telling a secret. "And that I love her." Abruptly, he signed off, not wanting to continue the conversation.


	20. Chapter 19: Beloved

Saavik stood before Spock in the transporter room. It took all of her self-control to remain where she was, outwardly calm and composed. Inside, she rejoiced. She had not seen her husband since their son Ælfwine made the decision to enter Starfleet Academy as a med student, eight years ago. To be so close to him now yet unable to touch him was torture, but neither of them was given to public displays of affection. And she was on duty. For another two hours.

Spock permitted himself a tiny smile when he saw his wife as he materialized in the transporter room of the Alleya. It had been so long since he had last seen her, and though the Fires would not begin for at least another year, he longed to touch her, to hold her.

I have missed you, T'Shaya.

As I have missed you, ashalik.

The formalities of greeting honored guests over, the captain instructed Saavik to show the guests to their quarters. "I'll see you tomorrow, Saavik," she said over her shoulder as she left. Saavik suppressed a smile and led the group of junior diplomats from the transporter room.

Saavik opened the door to her cabin and motioned for Spock to precede her. Alone at last, she extended her hand, and he touched her fingers. Not satisfied with the intimate gesture, she touched his face with her other hand, drawing him close and kissing him passionately. He smiled in his mind and acceded to her demands.

_Saavik reached for Spock, only to find him gone. Cold fingers touched her spine and she jumped, turning over to find David smiling at her. "He cannot come here, Saavik. Not yet."_

_She smiled at her t'hy'la. "I know, David. Here is only for you." She wrapped her arms around him. "T'hy'la, why is it always so cold?"_

_David slid his arms around her, nuzzling her neck. "So we can do this." He kissed her passionately, and she answered him gladly._

_Saavik snuggled closer to David. He kissed her ear. "I love you, Saavik."_

_"I love you, t'hy'la." They rested together, content, for some time. Finally, David propped himself up on one elbow._

_"Saavik, are you happy now?"_

_"Yes, t'hy'la, I am happy." She pulled him down for a kiss._

_He pulled away, smiling at her. "Then you don't really need me anymore, do you?"_

_She trailed her fingers across his face. "I will always need you, t'hy'la."_

_David smiled. "I know, love. But I have to go." He stood to leave, and Saavik followed._

_"Will you still come, t'hy'la? When I need you?"_

_He blew her a kiss. "I will always come, Saavik. Always." He smiled and turned away, fading from sight as he walked into the distance._


	21. Epilogue: Happiness

Taavi stood in Amanda's garden, watching his great-great-grandchildren play as the sun set.. Here in the garden, he felt close to his family, both living and dead. Their spirits lived on, watching over each successive generation. Taavi smiled as the children's mother, his half-sister's great-granddaughter and his great-grandson's wife, came outside and called the children in for dinner. He smiled at each child as they passed him, scooping up the youngest and giving her a kiss before sending her on her way. The door closed behind them and he was alone in the garden. He chose not to go to dinner.

The sun had set and the night had grown dark when T'Selis, his wife of over a century, came out to fetch him. She touched his arm.

"Taavi, when are you coming in?"

He turned and took her hands. "I don't know, T'Selis. Perhaps not until morning." She nodded in understanding and said nothing. After a moment he put his arms around her, and she leaned against him.

"You know what today is, love?" Taavi murmured nearly an hour later. T'Selis mumbled a negative. "Amanda died two hundred and thirty-three years ago today." Taavi closed his eyes, drinking in the peace of the garden. "I still feel as I did then. I miss her."

"That was your choice, Taavi."

"I know."

Another hour passed before either of them spoke again. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"

"No."

"Mother's Day."

"Really?"

"Yes. It's also the one hundredth anniversary of Mother's death." T'Selis said nothing, only offered her support. "I still miss her, T'Selis."

I know, David. I know. He smiled at her use of his human name. She smiled back at him. I'm going in, ashaya. Please come in soon. She kissed him gently, then left him alone to savor the peace of the garden.

_Taavi stood in the garden, waiting. For what, he was not sure. Tonight was special, he knew that, could feel it. He waited patiently, content to exist in the peace of his grandmother's garden. Around midnight, Amanda ran up to him, laughing, followed by her husband. She was not old and delicate as he remembered her, but young and vibrant as she must have been in her youth. She flung her arms around him in a hug, then let him go, moving to stand by Sarek._

"_Taavikam, so good to see you! How are you?"_

"_I miss you, Grandmother."_

"_And your family?"_

"_They love your stories."_

_Amanda laughed. "I wish I was there to tell them."_

"_I wish I could tell them half as well as you do."_

_Amanda smiled. "Someday maybe I'll teach you." Taavi grinned._

"_Our son approaches, Amanda. We must go," Sarek said._

_Taavi smiled up at his grandfather. "It was a pleasure to see you again, Grandfather."_

"_Likewise, Taavikam. Until next time." They began to fade into the mist._

_Taavi looked around, soaking up the peace and storing it for later, when all the children were home and the house was noisy and chaotic. Saavik approached from a great distance, her arm around Spock, who carried his infant, stillborn daughter. Taavi smiled and called out as they drew near._

"_Mom! Dad! You came!"_

"_Of course we came, Taavikam. How could we not?" Taavi smiled and hugged his mother._

_Spock watched them, amusement barely touching his features. "Well met, Taavi."_

"_Is that Jaime?" Spock held the infant so Taavi could see her. "It is! Oh, she's adorable!" Taavi gave Spock a one-armed hug. "She looks just like her sister." He tickled the baby, making her laugh. She pulled his hair, and he giggled. "Thank you for bringing her."_

"_David is coming, Spock. You'd better hurry," Saavik said, kissing her daughter and hugging her bondmate. She turned and walked away as the mist claimed them._

_Taavi turned around in time to catch his parents kiss. David walked toward him as Saavik faded away._

_David put his hands on Taavi's shoulders. "I'm proud of you, my son."_

_Taavi grinned. "I know, Father." He was a little boy, hugging his father after a long day at school. "I love you."_

_David smiled. "I love you too." They stayed that way for a minute, then went back to normal._

"_Are you happy, Taavi?"_

"_Yes. Yes, I do believe I'm happy."_

"_Good." David began to fade. "It's time for me to go."_

_He had almost disappeared when Taavi called, "Will you still visit me? When I need you?"_

_His answer floated on the mist. "Yes, my son. I will always come."_

Taavi blinked, coming out of his dream. He could still feel his family's presence, a warm comforting blanket about his shoulders. He drew them closer, pulling them into himself. When he was satisfied he had absorbed them all, he made his way into the house. He found T'Selis still awake and waiting for him, and he held her close until he fell asleep.


End file.
